Favorite Televison Show Quotes

[EGlVM]

Hmm...Mods must have left this at EZboard because I know I started this before. Oh well.

ER
Kerry: "What happened to King Funshine?"

Dr. Greg Pratt: "It's your last chance to learn something, before you start screwing up your malpractise premium.
(walks away)
Neela: "Wanker."
Lester: "Turd."
Abby: "Dick."

Deb: "Luka's sleeping."
Susan: "With who?"

Susan: "Frank, are you taking your cholesterol medication?"
Frank: "No."
Susan: "Good."

Peter: "Last time he came in here, he yelled in my stethescope."
Cleo: "He grabbed my ass. Suck it up."

Luka: (holding Brian on the pool table after he's punched Abby) "If you ever touch her again, I'll kill you."

John Carter: (after Abby caught him kissing susan) "It's really more about friendship than anything else."
Abby: "Really? I never saw you kiss Frank like that."

Robert: "You are a Grade A bitch, you know that, Kerry?"
Kerry: "No, Robert, I'm your boss. And as long as I am, you're my bitch. Now get your ass back to work."

John Carter: "So, what are you gonna do tonight?"
Deb: "Oh, you know, the usual. Go to a bar, meet a random guy and have a night of wild sex until I pass out from sheer exaustion."
John Carter: "Take out and a hot bath?"
Deb: "Yeah."

Doug: "You can get through my door."
Carol: "Anything with a bra can get through your door."

Mark: "Hey Jerry, don't we have a "Lost and now is ours" box?"

Mark: "How are they holding up?"
Doug: "Stick a fork in them, they've been Weavered."

Luka: (playing on playstation) "C'mon, we can hunt zombies together."
Abby: "Couldn't we just reason with them?"

[eldirion]

Firefly, of course!

Bandit #1: "And I think maybe you're gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus."

(Husband) Jayne: "Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature."

(Wife) Mal: "How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?"

(Husband) Jayne: "If I could make you purtier, I would."

(Wife) Mal: "You are not the man I met a year ago." (they suddenly draw their guns on the bandits, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off)

Mal: "Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging this township a while now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."

[uhavemel]

:clap: More FIREFLY!!!

I can actually see Mal in the bonnet right now. LOL

[Ash]

George : "You just gave me the same look my mother gave me when I told her I wanted to become a ventriloquist" (Seinfeld)

[eldirion]

Wash: "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction."

Zoe: "We live in a space ship, dear."

Wash: (looking confused) So?

[EGlVM]

ER

Abby: "How are you feeling?"
Carol: "I'm in love with the epidural man."
Abby: "Some people like to call him the anesthesiologist."
Carol: "Oh, he will always be the epidural man to me."

Mark: "You set the tone Carter."

Abby: "You watch me when we make love..."
Luka: "You're beautiful."

Luka: "Why do you have such a problem with everything? It's like you have an insect in your anus."
Abby: "Ok, it's bug up my ass, Luka. Bug up my ass. If you're going to insult me, do it right."

Dr. Markovic: "Dr. ross, this came for you."
Mark: "Bad news?"
Dr. Ross: "No. I just got denied a bank loan from a bank that's motto is, "We loan to anyone."

Abby: "Can you help me with this?"
(hands Susan some X-Rays)
Susan: "Well, I've denied my bladder this long."

Robert Ramano: "I'm beginning to think that ER stands for "everyone's retarded"

Kerry: "You hit another doctor?"
Michael Gallant: "Yeah, Dr. Pratt."
Kerry: "Oh, well in this case, I'll overlook it."

Peter: "Anyone want any coffee?"
Susan: "Yeah, I do."
Peter: "How do you take it?"
Susan: "Same as yesterday, and the day before that..."
Peter: "And they call *me* a smartass."

Nicole: (made cookies) "I made them for Luka. Want one?"
Carter: (looks at Abby) "No, I would never touch Luka's cookies."

Alex: (playing Luka on video game) "Bite me you Slav bastard."

Archie: "Hey, someone has a sugardaddy."
Abby: "Jealous?"

[redneck once removed]

"Please explain to me the scientific nature of 'The Whammy' " -Scully, X-Files

[EGlVM]

Don't tempt me redneck, I'll quote ten pages worth in one go.

[redneck once removed]

L;)L, I hear that, Anything from LOST is tempting too.

[EGlVM]

Yeah, but X-Files was on for 9 seasons. There's more. I will post some eventually and in multiple posts. haha

[YouFirst]

Everybody Hates Chris.

Dad: CHRIS! I'm gonna eat some peanuts! Watch the kids!

Mother: CHRIS! I'm gonna get my moustache waxed! Watch the kids!

[EGlVM]

ER

"Great Expectations" (Carol's labor episode)

Carol: "Oh, they feel like they're between my knees!"
Luka: "Yep, that's the point."
Carol: "Oh, son of a b*tch!"

Kerry: "Push hard."
Carol: "I'm trying!"

Cleo: "Did you plan on natural child birth?"
Carol: "Hell no."

Abby: "Do you want an epidural?"
Carol: "I can have one?"
Abby: "Mm-hmm."
Carol: "Well, if I wasn't sure before, I am now."
Mark: "Wimp."

Mark: "One down, one to go."
Carol: "Uh-uh. I quit."
Mark: "I don't think you have a choice."
Carol: "Well, you know, you could shoot me."

Mark: (flipping through channels on tv) "Hey, post game's on."
Carol: "Whoo."

[EGlVM]

Will & Grace

(waiter spills white wine on Will)
Will: "Oh man! My new Gucci suite!"
Waiter: "Sorry sir. (laughs)"
Will: "Hey, it's not funny."
Elton John: "It's alittle bit funny."
Will: "Oh my God, you're you."
Elton John: "That's right, and next time it will be red wine."

Elton John: "Word of advice Will, don't desmiss things you know nothing about. And don't walk in ten inch heels, it's hell on the ankles.

Elton John: "You have a nice face, flat stomach, I'd hate to see you banned from every gym in America."
Will: "And what? End up in a fitness protection program?"
Elton John: "Don't joke. It's real."

Elton John: "Just remember, one wrong move, and this bitch will be back."

[Bernard]

Mr. Hilliard -- Look out, they're going to crash!!!

Gomez ----- You think so, eh?

** BOOM **
Gomez blows up the track & both trains

[redneck once removed]

Please say this counts:

"Simpson, Homer Simpson,
He's the greatest guy in his-tor-eee
From the, Town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut treeee
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

LMAO, I :heartpump that one

[Bernard]

I reject your reality and substitute my own. - Adam Savage 'Mythbusters'

[Bernard]

I think the wind just broke his leg. - Hawkeye Pierce - M*A*S*H

[Smirnoff_Ice]

Seinfeld had so many great quotes.
Jerry: (Seeing George on his hands and knees, looking for change under a vending machine and taps the machine.) I think the candy comes out over there.
George: People can drop change down here, Jerry. And they're too lazy to pick it up.
Jerry: Either that, or they've got a little hang-up about lying facedown in filth.

[eldirion]

"The only reason you are consious is because I don't feel like carrying you."


~Jack Bauer

[EGlVM]

Please say this counts:

"Simpson, Homer Simpson,
He's the greatest guy in his-tor-eee
From the, Town of Springfield,
He's about to hit a chestnut treeee
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

LMAO, I :heartpump that one
There's an entire thread devoted to Simpson Quotes but, hell yeah! That counts. That one is one of my favorites.

[*Saint*]

Pheobe: And now we need the semen of a righteous man!!!

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place!!



Rachel: (on ross' answeing machine) I am soooooooo over you!!!

Ross: (Ross listening to message) You are...over...me? When were you...under me??



Okay, Will and Grace: Wha is the guy's name??? :

"_____ Leslie! As I live and drink!!!!"

[EGlVM]

BEVERLY LESLIE!!! hahahahaha

Karen (to Beverly Leslie)

"How dare you, I've choked on olives bigger than you!"

"It's mine, Baby Gap!"

"OH! You scared me. Shouldn't you be in your tree making cookies?!"

"Attention, ladies and gentlemen of New York, Beverly Leslie is a homosexual. I repeat, Beverly Leslie is a homosexual."

Karen: "Come on, serve! What, do you need a regular sized person to see over the net?"
Beverly: "I'll have you know that people at the club actually talk about my serve."
Karen: "They also talk about your he-she qualities but that's not gonna win us the point, come on!"

[Another Time]

"I was in the pool!!!!" George, Seinfeld

[Bernard]

"How do you guys walk around with those things?" - Elaine

[camelsmoker]

Just a few classics from The Kids In The Hall

Head Crushing Guy: I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Crush. Crush.
*****
Hi there, I'm Scott Thompson, and for those of you who are wondering, yes, I'm the fag.
*****
Hi, I'm Kevin McDonald. Or, as you might know me at home, "the Kid in the Hall we don't like."
*****
Guy #1: I know it's a cliché, but my favorite album of all time is still "Sgt. Pepper's."
Guy #2: "Sgt. Pepper's"? What's that?
Guy #1: Only the Beatles' most famous album!
Guy #2: I'm sorry, the Beatles? Who are they?
Guy #1: The best group of the sixties!
Guy #2: Oh, the sixties. I didn't hear much music in the sixties.
Guy #1: What are you talking about?
Guy #2: Well, dad always was a little crazy. After the car accident he started medication and things got worse. One night he woke me up and knocked me out. He brought me down to the basement where I lived for the next ten years. I heard no music, I had no friends. They shoved food under the door so I had to eat pancakes and pizza. It was awful, but I survived.
Guy #1: Gee, I'm sorry. I, uh, didn't know.
Guy #2: Of course I've heard of the Beatles, you retard!
*****
Filipino kid: You are American?
Tourist: No, I'm a Canadian. It's like an American, but without the gun.
*****
Mother: Oh my God, Brian! You smell like a brewery!
Father: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. You're grounded, mister!
Brian: What? You bought me the beer!
Mother: What, Gordon? He's only sixteen, and you bought him beer?
Father: What? You're only sixteen?
*****
Pothead: (on the phone) Yeah, yeah. Hey, tell me about it. It's a drought out there. There's no pot anywhere. What, my plant? Smoked it. Eh, of course it should be legal. Eh, if Christ had turned straw into pot, instead of water into wine, we'd all be smoking up a communion. He, he, he, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Okay, see ya, Mom.

[IwannaBlost]

*****
Pothead: (on the phone) Yeah, yeah. Hey, tell me about it. It's a drought out there. There's no pot anywhere. What, my plant? Smoked it. Eh, of course it should be legal. Eh, if Christ had turned straw into pot, instead of water into wine, we'd all be smoking up a communion. He, he, he, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Okay, see ya, Mom.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[EGlVM]

"I was in the pool!!!!" George, Seinfeld
Jerry: "Elaine, do women know about shinkage?"
Elaine: "It shrinks? Why does it shrink?"
George: "It just does."

[EGlVM]

Will & Grace

Jack: "Hey, hey! It's not The Will & Grace Show, it's called, Just Jack!"

[EGlVM]

Will & Grace

(about Grace being in AA)
Val: "She's staying!"
Karen: "She's going!"
Val: "She's staying!"
Karen: "She's going!
Val: "Accept the things you cannot change, B*TCH!"
Karen: "Time to pay the corkage fee, crazy." (pulls a corkscrew out of her purse)

[EGlVM]

Road to Avonlea

Aunt Hetty: "Wherever you wander, wherever glorious adventures lie ahead of you, you can rest easy knowing you've a place to come home to: the dearest spot on earth, our Avonlea."

Felix: "You smell like an ocean breeze. Not that you smell like fish or anything."

Rachel Lynde: "When your heart skips a beat, it isn't love, it's indigestion."

Rachel Lynde: "You're never safe from surprise until you're dead."

Jasper Dale: "Ain't that the pistol!"

Alexander Abraham: "Confound you woman! You can go straight to..."
Rachel Lynde: "Halifax!"

Felix: "Don't you want to hear about the murder?"
Felicity: "Not unless it's your own."

Felicity: "Here's a tip, Felix. Don't brush your teeth with a brick."

Felix: "Ha ha! Felicity King is known throughout Avonlea for her cherry pies and sawdust pudding!"

Aunt Hetty: "Hmm!"

(about Sarah's new evening slippers)
Felicity: "The cow's will sure be impressed."
Sarah: "They'll be so impressed, they'll give me nothing but cream."

Felicity: "Cesily, by the time I was your age, I knew the seven rules to running a household. I even knew how to rid myself of the most persistent stains."
Sarah: "Cesily, by the time I was your age, I had sailed down the Nile and seen the seven wonders of the world. If I had something that was stained, I simply threw it away."

[EGlVM]

Rachel: (on ross' answeing machine) I am soooooooo over you!!!

Ross: (Ross listening to message) You are...over...me? When were you...under me??
I hate to be picky, but Rachel actually says,

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm over you. I... am over... you. And that, my friend, is what they call....closure." *throws cellphone in ice bucket*

[LostOnOahu16]

On House last night...

(Talking about how Foreman hates cops)

House: Foreman, police are our friends. If you and I got separated while out shopping....

(After House shoots an already-dead patient in the head to see if the bullet fragments will be ripped out of his head by the MRI machine...which they do, and the MRI machine blows up)

House: My bad...

[adognamedjack]

Arrested Development:
Tobias-"Even if it means me taking a chubby, I'll suck it up."
"Me thinks an Attic I shall seek."
Buster-"Mom volunteered me for the Army just because the fat man dared her to."

[EGlVM]

LostOnOahu16, that was awesome! I can't wait for the conclusion tonight!:D

[LostOnOahu16]

^I know! It was great, wasn't it? No way Foreman would die though...nobody ever dies.

[EGlVM]

Nobody? Hasn't one patient has died? Anyway....

Road to Avonlea

Felix: "Next to Sally Potts, Felicity is a saint."

House "Euphoria pt. 2"

Cuddy: "This is bio hazard, level 3!"
House: "Oooo, level 3. You should call it Jack Baur."

Little Girl: "You're a goof."
House: "Takes one to know one, loser. Wait, that would make me a loser. Scratch that."

Rodney Foreman: "My son says you're a manipulative b*stard."
House: "It's a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling."

Cameron: "I accept your apology."

Rodney Foreman: "I don't want to miss you."

House: "Who died, and made you boss?"
Cameron: "Foreman."

House: "Names?"
(Foreman looks at Cameron, his dad, and House)
Foreman: "Cameron, my dad, and the manipulative b*stard."

[EGlVM]

Will & Grace

Karen: "Loraine, there are two things that I will not allow in this house. Rascism and constapation!"
Rosario: "Yeah, you're the Rosa Parks of pooping."

(Jack enters Will and Grace's apartment wearing a pair of glasses)
Jack: "What do you think of my new glasses?"
Will: "I think they say...Guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses."
Jack: "And guys don't make passes at guys with fat asses."

[theisland]

Arrested Development:

GOB: So Michaels going to steal my son, I'll just have to steal something from him, like his bicycle.
________________________________

Taxi Cab Drvier: (speaking Iraqi fast)
Buster:(Arguing back in Iraqi)

*They both stop, Buster leans over towards Michael*

Buster: He say's the (something like this) 101's backed up all the way to L.A. so we're going to have take another way.

[theisland]

More:


Lucille: Apparently, mood altering medication leads to street drugs. That's what this very handsome young doctor said on The Today Show.
Michael: That was Tom Cruise, the actor.
Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist.

Narrator: Soon, George Michael went to Ann's to try to win her back. But her Uncle Paul told him that Ann had moved in with her boyfriend. He also mentioned that we all only had 3 more weeks on earth and that fossils were just something the Jews buried in 1924

Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over— an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.

Michael: You know, G.O.B., this might be that sign from God that you should change your ways.
G.O.B.: No, I think that’s going to be something big.

Tobias: Oh, God, here she is.
Michael: Next to that guy?
Tobias: What guy?
Michael: That guy.
Tobias: No, that’s her.
Michael: Him?
Tobias: That’s a girl. I think the name “Michael” is making you look for a man.
Michael: I think I’m looking at a man


Michael: Why are handlebars in my bed?
Gob leaving the handlebars of Michael's bike in his bed is similar to a scene from The Godfather where the head of a man's beloved horse was put in his bed as intimidation. The grease on his sheets, pajamas, and hands was like the horse's blood in the movie. Not quite as copious, though, and no horrified scream.

[cys]

From the BTVS episode School Hard

Vampire#1: The Master is dead. Someone has to take his place.

Vampire#2: As long as the Slayer's alive, whoever takes his place will be sharing his grave.

Vampire#1: Then let the soul who kills her wear his mantle.

Collin: Can you do it?

Vampire#1: Yes. This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.

SPIKE (http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=5): (appears behind them) *You* were *there*? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.

Vampire#1: I oughta rip your throat out.

SPIKE (http://vrya.net/bdb/character.php?char=5): I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

[EGlVM]

Will & Grace

Eleanor: "Don't you worry, Grace. Marvin fill you in on all the details."
Grace: "Yes, Eleanor. Who's Marvin?"
Leo: *laughs lightly* "That would be me."
Jack: (with cake all over his face) *laughs* "You just married a guy, and you don't even know his name!"

Leo: "Is that my diploma?"
Grace: "No, conceited! You're not the only Dr. Leo Marcus in the city!"

[LostOnOahu16]

House "Euphoria pt. 2"

Cuddy: "This is bio hazard, level 3!"
House: "Oooo, level 3. You should call it Jack Baur."

Little Girl: "You're a goof."
House: "Takes one to know one, loser. Wait, that would make me a loser. Scratch that."

Rodney Foreman: "My son says you're a manipulative b*stard."
House: "It's a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling."

Cameron: "I accept your apology."

Rodney Foreman: "I don't want to miss you."

House: "Who died, and made you boss?"
Cameron: "Foreman."

House: "Names?"
(Foreman looks at Cameron, his dad, and House)
Foreman: "Cameron, my dad, and the manipulative b*stard."

EGIVM, those were great! I loved the stuff about Steve McQueen too.

Oh yeah, and some people have died. I was just exaggerating, because it seems as though they always miraculously find an answer for how to fix the patient in the last 5 minutes. ;)

[EGlVM]

I love looking forward to Tuesdays:)

House (Ep. House vs. God)

House: "Aren't you gonna give me my final point?"
Chase: "You knew it was me?"

Wilson: "House! You let patients freeing rome the halls now?"
House: "His leash broke."

[EGlVM]

Will & Grace

Leo: "I can handle it. I'm an adult."
Karen: "erer."

Jack: "I was fired by Jennifer Lopez today. And I didn't know it would complicate your marriage or your relationship with Will. I apologize. And I'd like to thank everyone for coming out to support me. The beef has spoken."
Karen: "Oh honey, you're a complete moron."

[vincentstuntdbl#23]

Mandi:you know what the worst part about this is?
Lloyd:I think you dinged up your suspension
Mandi: No Lloyd,Its the party there having right now in the West wing at my expense
Lloyd: there having a party
Mandi: I worked with these people for 2 years. They like to win ,then they like to gloat.
Lloyd: I'm sure you're wrong.
Mandi: I'm sure I,m not
Lloyd there are very serious men and women working in the white house,
A blow was struck for party unison today, there's no time to gloat
At White House
Josh: Victory is mine, victory is mine, great day in the morning Donna victory is mine.
Donna:morning Josh
Josh: I drink from the keg of glory Donna, bring me the finest bagels and muffins in all the land( everyone claps)
Donna: this is going to be a long day

[john_locke]

Friends

Chandler: Ding dong the psycos gone!



Chandler: Gum would be perfection

[I Like Freckles]

Any episode of 24:

Jack Bauer: Blah blah blah blah. Blah BLAH! BLAH BLAH! Blah blah blah NOW!!!!!

[EGlVM]

Friends

Chandler: "Stick a fork in me, I'm done."
Phoebe: "Stick a fork, what?"
Chandler: "You know, when you're cooking a steak."
Phoebe: "Oh, okay, I don't eat meat."
Chandler: "Okay, well, how do you know when vegitables are done?"
Phoebe: "Well, you don't. You just eat them and you know."
Chandler: "Okay then, eat me, I'm done."

[LostOnOahu16]

EGIVM...(Also nice ones, by the way.)

House to Foreman: Glad you're back! Cameron makes lousy coffee. I take mine black...the way I take my braindamaged neurologists.

Favorite one of the night! ;)

[Bernard]

"Goodbye, Kids."

[Mr. Cluck]

From South Park

Ambassador: This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there?
George W. Bush: Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul actually went to hell. But while in hell he began a homosexual relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however, decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore and broke up with him about August. When Saddam became jealous and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormons as a punishment. (pause) Questions? (pause)
Another Ambassador: Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?
George W. Bush: I assure you, I am not high.

[Mr. Cluck]

"Goodbye, Kids."

Hah, I just saw this after I sent my South Park quote. You are referring to Kenny at the end of Bigger, Longer, Uncut, right?

[Bernard]

No, Clarabell the Clown --- The Howdy Doody Show

[Mr. Cluck]

No, Clarabell the Clown --- The Howdy Doody Show

Actually, that isn't even what Kenny said. He said, "Goodbye, you guys." I think I just had South Park on my mind.

[Momofsamty]

"Screw you guys, I'm going home" - Cartman / South Park

[EGlVM]

This is so creepy.

I am currently looking at South Park quotes on imdb.com .

[RidersOnTheStorm]

Anything that Denny Crane (William Shatner) says on Boston Legal

[RidersOnTheStorm]

Denny Crane: You think I'm just going to wither up and die in there, don't you?
Shirley Schmidt: All these references to our sex life, Denny.

---

Denny Crane: Massachusetts is a Blue State. God has no place here.

---

Denny Crane: You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter lets him in. Sees a guy in a suit making closing argument. Says “who’s that?” St. Peter says “Oh, thats God. Thinks he’s Denny Crane.”

---

Denny Crane: I'm the master of the soft discharge.
Shirley Schmidt: You refer again to when we were intimate.

[RidersOnTheStorm]

Denny Crane - 'We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.''

Denny Crane to a Canadian Judge - ''Watch it, Judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis.''

Denny Crane - ''You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.''

Denny Crane - ''It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans. We're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.''

[EGlVM]

South Park

Chef's Father: "Oh, it must have been about 7 or 8 years ago. Me and the little lady was out on a boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden, this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water."
Chef's Mother: "I was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and said, "Thomas! Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!""
Chef's Father: "It stood above us with these big red eyes."
Chef's Mother: "Oh, it was so scary!"
Chef's Father: "and I yelled, "What do you want from us monster!" And the monster bent down and said, "I need about three fitty.""
Kyle: "What's three fitty?"
Chef's Father: "Three dollars and fitty cents."
Chef's Mother: "Three fitty."
Stan: "He wanted money?"
Chef's Father: "That's right. I said, "I ain't givin' you no three fitty, you damn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!""
Chef's Mother: "I gave him a dollar."
Chef's Father: "She gave him a dollar."
Chef's Mother: "I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar."
Chef's Father: "Well, ofcourse he's not gonna go away if you give him a dollar, Mary! If you give him a dollar, then he's gonna assume you got more!"

[EGlVM]

Will & Grace

Jack: "You have to sing "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" to us."
Will: "I can do that."
Jack: "...as the Count from Sesame Street."

Grace: "I win, you lose! I win, I win, you lose! I win, you lose! You lose, you lose, YAY ME! Second verse, same as the first!..."

[rottenralf]

No, Clarabell the Clown --- The Howdy Doody Show

Good bye Clarabell - You will be missed. (factoid: he was born about 6 miles from my house)

[EGlVM]

Will & Grace

Jack: "We will forgive you but you're gonna have to work for it."
Will: "What do I have to do?"
Karen: "Pleasure us, fast and nasty! And an extra point if you can work in that shoe shine mit."
Will: "There isn't a mit big enough."
(Jack whispers in Karen's ear)
Karen: "Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah!"
Jack: "Okay, you must recite "Twas The Night Before Christmas" to us."
Will: "I can do that."
Jack: "...but you must substitute every fifth word with the word "hinney"."
Karen: "And give it alittle kick like a rokket."

[Enoch Root]

From the Newhart Finale

Emily: "Oh Bob, go back to sleep."

(After Bob relates his dream about being the owner of an inn in Vermont ..)


Even better...

George Castanza's "Shrinkage" moment.