The Gritch an Bipe thread aka the In-Law Thread [Archive]

MayBear

08-01-08, 05:23 AM

I debated if I should start a new thread, or put this in the "calling all parents" or what exactly.

I know I've posted about this in "Lostaways" and everybody there has been very supportive. I just want to get some more "baggage" off my chest.... See what more of your reactions are... :no: Just basically get it out....

My FIL (Father-In-Law) is moving to our yard this fall. He has a camper/trailer he will be living in and will be parking it in OUR empty lot. So he's been coming out to get things ready every few weeks. We need to get water and sewer and electricity hooked up to that lot.

We lost my MIL in January and quite honestly I think FIL has been making too many BIG decisions too fast. But then... that's MY opinion.

So when I say he's been coming out to get things ready... he's been coming out to boss us around and tell us what to do --- basically. He told we had to cut some trees down because they might fall on his camper. So we hired it down... Then he really drug his feet when we asked him to help pay for it. :rolleyez: Sorry! We weren't really financially set to cut down three live trees just because they "might" fall. But he did pay 1/2.

Then he's telling PapaBear what a mess his garage is. And what he's going to do to clean it up and what's going to the landfill and what not! :rolleyez: Well, I'm thinking, "Get your OWN crap put up and put together first! :stare: If we want to have a messy garage, we will have a messy garage!"

Then he's telling me that he's going to bring down the big table from his house for our house, because it's so much nicer and we will all fit around it better. (He included himself in the ALL) And it has leaves (SP?) so at Thanksgiving the whole family can come down and we can have Thanksgiving here. :stare:

I told him that I thought his big table was too big for our kitchen. He said he'd measure. But it is. I don't have a round table because I don't like round tables. Our kitchen is small. We have to have room for my son who gets around in a walker. And we have a portable dishwasher... not a built-in one. So I have to drag it across the kitchen. :rolleyez: We have a small house. We don't have a dining room.

Thanksgiving is FIL's holiday. It's the holiday where he wanted everybody to get together. I think he's going to try to turn OUR house into HIS house so he can have HIS Thanksgiving here.

#1. My sister-in-law already said that she will do Thanksgiving now that MIL is gone.

#2. There is NO WAY I can do Thanksgiving for a big clan. :no: Our house/kitchen it too small and I have M.S.

#3. If he wants everybody to come to him for Thanksgiving... he's just gonna have to have them over to his trailer! http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_wait3.gif

Basically, my question/concern is that FIL wants to take over our lives. He wants to tell us what to do and how to do it. What am I gonna do when he's living here!!! :banghead: When he's living in our yard?

Don't get me started on the '67 pickup.... :rolleyez: I'll share that story another time.

Surfercat

08-01-08, 05:31 AM

That is frustrating, I don't blame you for being annoyed. :awwhug:

It sounds like you will have to set down some boundaries for him so that he won't try to take control of your lives. Let him know that he's always welcome to enjoy your house and things the way they are and that he can do whatever he wants with his stuff, but that you have everything the way you like it now and if you need his help with anything you will ask for it. I guess he probably won't want to listen to those boundaries, but stay firm and don't let him control your lives when he won't even concentrate on getting his own stuff together. Good luck.

melostmo

08-01-08, 09:23 AM

Sounds like some bad stuff
Why did y'all allow this ?

How old is he ?
Do you think he has all his faculties ?

CLUCK

08-01-08, 10:53 AM

Maybear, my FIL can be a bit overbearing as well. He used to tell me what I needed to do to my house (cut the grass, paint this, fix that) and used to come over or send his boys over to "borrow" my tools. You need to be blunt and firm with him about the boundries. He may get mad at first, but hopefully it will get into his head that his son is a grown up that can handle his own...

MayBear

08-01-08, 04:44 PM

I know I need to put my foot down that this is OUR house.

Deep down, I think he's trying to make our house as much his as he can. And that he will eventually "take over" PapaBear has no backbone. Can't say "no" to his dad. That's part of the story with the '67 Chevy. :mad:

The whole thing about the kitchen table... I've made up my mind... I didn't get to sleep until about 3:00 this morning and then I woke up at 4:30 and thunk some more! :rolleyez: He is NOT bringing HIS big kitchen table to OUR house. It just won't work. It's OUR house, first of all, not his. If he wants to keep it, then he can put it in his trailer, or one of his many sheds he's moving in :rolleyez: Another story.... I have SO many, I should write a book! PapaBear might not be happy about my decision... But dang it..... We have enough of our own shi stuff... We just can't throw our stuff out and replace it with his. (Which we have done with the tv/entertainment center, for one)

:soapbox: I don't know if I'm on a soapbox or if I'm just bitching and griping about everything. :mad3:

I think I know and/or fear that he will end up moving into OUR house instead of his trailer, and totally think he's gonna run/control/govern the place! :no: And he is the only parent we have left. My folks are both dead. PapaBear's mom is dead. And now his step-mom is dead. :sadwalk: So FIL is it. So there is that whole "respect" issue and "what would I do if this was MY dad or mom?" thoughts.

Thanks for the sounding board everybody!

FIL is 68... going to retire in Sept. He's got all of his faculties... well... pretty much so.

MaxPower

08-01-08, 05:01 PM

:awwhug:

I'd place your anger with PapaBear. His wife and kids should be his first priority and he should be the one setting the boundries with his dad. But failing that, then you will have to be the bad guy.
*can't imagine MayBear being a bad guy*
If you don't set the boundries now, when he does move in (entirely) he will be running the show.

frogge

08-01-08, 05:23 PM

I agree with Smaxy and her tired goat.

Papabear should be standing up here. Almost every single thing you've mentioned is distinctly Papabear's and your business, the best example being the messy garage. Your house, your garage- no sweat off of the FIL's back since it won't affect him in the trailer. FIL needs to adjust to your life, not the other way around.

That said, "within reason" should be added. It's probably slightly inappropriate for you to draw the boundary, that's why I feel it should be Papabear to do it. If he doesn't, he's just going to get caught in the middle later.

One last thing, though. FIL may be a bit wiggy because of his fear of such a big change and loss of MIL. Make sure you know when he's being his usual crotchety self and when he's just going through a tough time and taking it out on the wrong people....

strandediniowa

08-01-08, 06:00 PM

Oh May :Hugglepounce: I'm sorry that FIL continues to be a pain . . .

I agree with what everyone else has said about needing to be firm with boundary lines. That being said, I know it's very easy to opine about such things and much harder to actually do it. PapaBear should step up and you need to get on his butt to do so, or at the very least back you up if you are the one that has to do it. I suppose you'll have to sit down and have a discussion with FIL about this and that it might be unpleasant. The fall-out may be more unpleasant, but you're going to have to steel yourself to it. You could always give in, but I think the fall-out from that would eventually be worse on you and thus on everyone else.

I went through some similar issues with my mom when my dad died. She was alternatively mad, pouty and passive aggressive about it. Still is to this day - fourteen years later. But we have had to set boundaries with her or we would be nuts and unhappy and things would be worse. I'm sorry that you are going through this. . . and feel free to vent at us at any time.

gertie

08-01-08, 06:45 PM

Maybear!

I know it's different. I've been living with my sis now for over 6 months.

BUT! LOL! I'm also her slave. I do the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning, feeding/walking the dog, the shopping. With what I have to do for her, I barely have time for anything else (LOL)!

I know that the fear of being alone will make a person crazy. That person will try to not remind themself they are alone, so behavior will vary.

Mom died 3 years before Dad. Dad did not do well at all. He just didn't. I know your in-laws have/had a different relationship, but men just don't seem to handle death as well as women (readies for an onslaught).

That said, you need to get more bones in your body. I feel you are being walked on, and I hate to hear it or see it. Maybear, you were a TEACHER! You should know how to tell someone what to do! STAND UP! SAY NO!

MayBear

08-01-08, 07:01 PM

Maybear!
.................. Maybear, you were a TEACHER! You should know how to tell someone what to do! STAND UP! SAY NO!

:no: Gert.... Different situation.... Sure... I know assertive discipline stuff and what not.... I know how to instruct kids and facilitate their learning.

But being an ex-teacher has NOTHING to do with dealing with my stuborn/selfish FIL. Sorry...

Maestra

08-01-08, 07:44 PM

I agree, May. Students and parents are very different from dealing with your family or in-laws. :awwhug:

catnap

08-01-08, 09:54 PM

May - this may sound weird, but, could you write him a letter? You could sit down and really put what you want to say on paper. It is easier than a face to face confrontation sometimes. Then you could say, "look, FIL, we are really happy you are here (grit your teeth and smile), but, for our family to all get along during this transition I think there are some things that need to be said. So I wrote them down for you to think about." Then run away. Would that help at all?

GardenMom

08-01-08, 10:24 PM

Wow, I feel sorry for you Maybear. This is a toughie. I understand you wanting to have compassion for your last remaining parent/parent-in-law. I think your compassion is deserved. When I read your description of your FIL, I'm seeing a 68 year old man trying his best to get some control over things in his life that he really has no control over. He is a 68 year old man who in the space of a year is undergoing the biggest changes he's ever had to make in his life. Loss of his wife, retirement, and a new living situation. Those are certainly the makings of a hard year of transitions. You know that you don't want him trying to control you and your house, so you may have to do some searching around for something he can be in control of. Think you could get him interested in volunteer work in your community? A consuming hobby? Travel? Anything where he can feel in charge of his life again? He might quit badgering you if you could say something like "You know so-and-so down at the community center has a problem you might have the know-how to help with..."

You, of course, know your FIL better than I, so my take on this may be way off base. But I do believe we need to value the previous generation while we can, and it sounds like he is at a stage in his life where he may be re-assessing his own worth.

MayBear

08-02-08, 01:02 AM

You're right, G.Mom. I don't want to "devalue" him at all. And as far as having things for him to do....If he wants to go clean out PapaBear's garage.... I don't care, and I don't think PapaBear cares. He can go clean and sort and organize that till the cows come home!

Catnip! I've thought of that! I really have. :shiny:

Now PapaBear thinks the big round table is a good idea! :pullhair:

I really think there is more to it than FIL just offering us a table. I really think it's a control thing. He wants to keep part of the "big house" or he wants to be the boss here or he's having second thoughts about getting rid of so much stuff. Maybe he doesn't realize that's what's going on with him. And like you said, G.Mom.... He has been thru a whole lot in just less than a year! :no: I think he's moving too fast and expecting things to happen too fast.

Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time over a table! All of this is coming at me too fast. :sigh:

And you're also right G.Mom.... He's gonna have to get involved in something around town... he's a people person and will go bonkers if he doesn't.

:grouphug: Thanks everybody! You've all been SO kind and helpful and supportive!

LOST lunatic

08-02-08, 03:42 AM

MayBear

08-02-08, 04:33 AM

I think your hubby will have to have a talk with your dad. This is his father right? Tell hubby he has to explain to him that you can't change everything around for him. If he gets away with this now it will only get worse. this is YOUR house and YOUR yard you are letting him live in/at. It's YOUR rules.

You and I know this... but PapaBear is at the point that he doesn't see a problem with any of it. :no: He can't figure out why I'm upset. :rolleyez: THAT'S part of the problem, too.

LOST lunatic

08-02-08, 04:37 AM

Men. Nuff said

Iggy the Lizard

08-02-08, 04:46 AM

5zTxUxFjLB0

irah

LOST lunatic

08-02-08, 04:59 AM

Aack!! I have no sound on my pc to hear that!!

Iggy the Lizard

08-02-08, 05:04 AM

i will edit

GardenMom

08-02-08, 05:01 PM

I really think there is more to it than FIL just offering us a table. I really think it's a control thing. He wants to keep part of the "big house" or he wants to be the boss here or he's having second thoughts about getting rid of so much stuff.

Maybe the stupid table just represents a whole "happy time" in his life when he was in control and knew exactly what he was supposed to do every day.
Is there anything smaller that could trigger the same feelings that could be substituted for the table? "Dad, the big table is just NOT going to work, but I would love to hang on to these dishes and tablecloth so we can remember those family meals..."

Annie

08-02-08, 05:22 PM

Aww Maybear, what a dilemma. There is some good advice in these posts
and I'm here to offer support. I should have guessed you were a teacher.
The teacher in you may offer you some strategies, even though you
are not dealing with children. Here's hoping this is just the initial reaction to
FIL's change in life and things will settle down. Maybe PapaBear will get
with the program. I know we don't know each other very well, so I hope
you don't consider this an intrusion. :awwhug:

ISIS

08-02-08, 05:52 PM

:flowers: These are tough circumstances. He's not only invading your privacy; but he's taking over. Has he always been like this? I agree all this is happening too fast:sadwalk: I had a mother-in-law similar to this once. Your ordeal is about thrice as big as mine was because he's moved onto your property.

Is it safe for me to say that change is easier for men then it is for women? I think that my husband would act the same way until he himself felt controlled.:mad:

I hate conflict; but will resort to it if it is necessary. I would tell FIL that you don't want the bigger table in there because the baby won't be able to walk in the kitchen and that you just plain prefer the table that you have.

Tell your husband that if he agrees with the Thanksgiving arrangement then he has to help cook. This one worked for me. How many people are there coming?

I'm rooting for you MayBear, I hope things work out for you.

*Tell him it took a lot of years to fill that garage full of memories. Make him pay you to clean it.:D

MayBear

08-02-08, 06:38 PM

ISIS

08-02-08, 07:40 PM

Even more so that he should not take offense, :awwhug: he should already know that the house needs to stay as open as possible and that you have a lot on your plate already.

melostmo

08-02-08, 08:13 PM

:no: Gert.... Different situation.... Sure... I know assertive discipline stuff and what not.... I know how to instruct kids and facilitate their learning.

But being an ex-teacher has NOTHING to do with dealing with my stuborn/selfish FIL. Sorry...

You just really need to set this ol' fellow straight

tell him what's whut

no one 68 yrs. old should be in charge of anything :D:D:D

trust me on this

melostmo

08-03-08, 07:57 PM

see
here's the part I don't get, May..

someone tells you they
want to move in to your backyard..
live there

so,
you said OK ?

i mean like an alarm didn't go off :rolleyez:
or something ?

LOSTForever

08-03-08, 11:56 PM

May have you sat down with PapaBear and had a heart to heart with him about the situation? Sometimes talking calmly about how you are feeling might help. Use "I" terms when talking. This sometimes helps because others don't feel they are being attacked.

melostmo

08-04-08, 12:38 AM

this really happenned to me

A close relative told me
they wanted to live in my backyard
put up a small manufactured home
I took them to a psychiatrist

add
i have a large property
so, that was not the problem..
it was somebody saying something
as idiotic as that

MayBear

08-04-08, 12:46 AM

:awwhug: Thanks guys.

Yes... PapaBear and I have talked.

I kept wondering, when this was all going down, FIL kept asking, "Are you sure 'MayBear's' ok with this? Are you sure? Is she going to be ok with this?" Now I know why he kept asking that... :rolleyez: He knew what a pain in the a challenge he was going to be!

The table situation is still up in the air. I have a week to relax before FIL comes back down to stir things up! :stirthepot: So I just have to figure out what I'm gonna say and be sure that I have PapaBear "on my side"

Thanks again, guys :Hugglepounce: I appreciate all the feedback and support!

MayBear

08-13-08, 10:29 PM

:no: Now guess what....

I'm not sure what to think except maybe I need to humble myself, and see exactly how small I can post....

FIL was here yesterday getting things ready for when he's ready to move down in Sept./Oct. He comes up to PapaBear and me and says he'd like to pay rent for living on our lot -- but it wouldn't really be rent... We would use that money to buy a new mini-van because ours in on it's last let and is a piece of shi --- crap... :faintthud Which it is....

eta: So it would be rent in the guise of vehicle payments..

But he didn't offer in a "controlling" way like he did when he was talking about the table. It was very genuine.

We said no.

But for some reason I feel very very small.... :sadwalk: Probably because we will end up accepting it... :hmm:

:pullhair:

Life! Always happens!

melostmo

08-13-08, 11:14 PM

we need to talk

~G~

08-13-08, 11:38 PM

Everyone has said what needs to be said, so I will just leave a :Hugglepounce: for you May

strandediniowa

08-14-08, 12:29 AM

Hugs from me too May.

It may actually make FIL feel good to pay some "rent" - make him feel like he's not freeloading and that he is actually helping you out in some way. That doesn't mean that you should back off on the table issue or some of the other controlling things that he may conjure up - but maybe it will help you see him in a different light and not be quite so upset about it. Isn't that the way with anyone that you love? They can piss you off or be difficult in some way, but then do something that is so kind that it sort of diffuses the other stuff.

Don't feel small or bad about being concerned about the FIL situation or venting here. Your concerns are valid, and being able to vent in a safe place is one of the reasons we're all here!!

:Hugglepounce:

MayBear

08-14-08, 04:32 AM

http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_1hugs.gif

catnap

08-14-08, 01:50 PM

I agree with Stranded - wise words! Vent here, don't feel bad about it, and I think you should accept some rent. :awwhug:

MayBear

08-14-08, 06:20 PM

http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_bear_hug.gif

Thanks so much you guys! I know I'll be back here to "vent" or complain or ask questions .....

It ain't over yet.. :)

CLUCK

08-15-08, 01:46 PM

Maybear... take this as you wish...

My father in law has done simmilar things. Usualy with an agenda.

He will offer things. We are cutting ALL of our firewood from his property. He offered it to us. But now, he will call up and want me to help him with something, usually something big (all day event), and if i say i cant, the response is usually "jeez, i let you cut all that wood and this is how you repay me?"

just sayin... hopefully he is not like my fahter in law.

melostmo

08-15-08, 01:53 PM

^ just say no

MayBear

08-27-08, 04:20 PM

:flex: I said NO!

FIL wanted us to take his craft numbers automatic bed or whatever it's called... And we told him from the beginning we didn't want it.... PapaBear and me both said no -- months ago.

So yesterday when FIL was here, PapaBear and I were talking about the new sheets we had just gotten for our waterbed and how nice they were. and FIL was like, "Why did you get new sheets for that bed? I'm bringing my bed down next month for you."

And I just said, "We don't want your bed. We never said we did." He was speechless. Obviously went against his plans. :stare:

And right now as I'm typing this, I'm thinking, if he didn't want to get rid of all of his stuff...WHY DID HE BUY A 5TH WHEEL/camper that doesn't hold his stuff?

He did NOT plan ahead... :no: Did not think things thru.

So... table update.... :rolleyez:

• First FIL told us one of his grandsons was going to need it because he's going to get his own place.
• Yesterday when he got here he told me that he got to thinking that there just was no way that big table would fit in our kitchen. Not with having to move the dishwasher out and leaving room for Joe to get by in his walker... :stare:
• Then in the evening when PapaBear got home from work, he said -- Well, stepson #1 is going to store a lot of the furniture (including table) for him in a old building/house not far from them -- just incase FIL gets tired of living in a camper/trailer and decides to move in to a regular house. :rolleyez:

:pullhair: FIL doesn't know WHAT he wants and/or needs. :no:
He came down yesterday -- 250 miles -- because it was his week to come down. Spent the night. And went back to Denver this morning! :banghead: What?
He's lonely.... That's one thing. But my gosh.... :no:

:soapbox: Ok... That's my vent.... :rolleyez:

LostVoyeur

08-27-08, 04:56 PM

The other day I was thinking about you and your "minor issues" LOL and thought to myself....YEAH after my divorce I won't have to deal with my MIL anymore....wait.....I have kids, I will never get rid of her....sigh...

I feel for you....really I do

LOSTForever

08-28-08, 01:23 AM

May ~ :Hugglepounce:

melostmo

08-28-08, 06:42 AM

May ~ :Hugglepounce:May ~ :Hugglepounce:

Annie

08-28-08, 07:29 AM

:awwhug; May :awwhug:. At least the table is settled. Hope more goes
that way. May all and only the best come to you!!

mzsandeestar

08-28-08, 12:18 PM

Hi everyone

I just found this thread. Until today I never posted anything on this forum except in the LOST threads. I have been a member from almost day one.

I have not gotten to know any of you personally, but I recognize some of your nicks as I am sure you have seen mine around.

I am going through a crisis right now with a mother in law problem and if I could find a place to just talk about it , it might help.

I have found that the this board has more intelligent and thoughtful people than any of the "chat " boards on the internet , so I feel like I might be talking to people who have the compassion to understand what I am talking about.

I have been married for 42 years. I have never gotten along with my MIL. She is just such a different person than I am and she does not accept anything that is not "her way"
We kind of have learned to be quietly tolerant, but it has never been better than that.

To make a long story short , the woman is dying and I feel such guilt and anger and all kinds of feelings that are hard to deal with.

I can feel sorry for her, but I can't really care about her even now.

We have so many decisions to make about her care etc. There are a lot of circumstances that complicate our decisions , if I had a place to talk where people would care to listen , it might help.

Thanks
Sandee

MayBear

08-28-08, 01:15 PM

:awwhug: Sandee! Talk/post here... We'll listen....

You're right, there are some really nice, thoughtful, helpful folks on this forum.

:awwhug: I understand your need just to get it off your chest and post about it!

GardenMom

08-28-08, 05:35 PM

Sandee, we're happy to listen. This is a safe place to vent, and it can be better to vent here than keeping it to yourself or unleashing upon family.

Maestra

08-28-08, 06:38 PM

Agreed. :)

mzsandeestar

08-28-08, 06:44 PM

Thanks

She is 87 years old and has been in and out of hospitals since Nov. She has had every kind of xray, MRI, CATscan possible. She had a fractured hip which the first surgeon pinned because he didn't think she could take a hip replacement. The pins moved and caused other problems so she had to have the whole thing done over with a complete hip replacement.
They sent her to a facility for therapy and after about a week there, a Dr said he was afraid she had a respiratory problem , so she was moved to a hospital.
Now this second hospital was in another town and she had a completely different set of doctors that she had never seen before.
After doing two respiratory procedures they came up with a diagnosis: mesothelioma.

This is a woman who saw doctors monthy her whole life and none of her own doctors saw a huge tumor which is completely covering her left lung.

She probably never should have been put through the hip surgery.

So for one thing dealing with doctors has been very frustrating. The original doctors have not even returned our phone calls so far.

MY MIL tends to be a chronic complainer and is negative about everything. Now everyone says , she's old and she's sick and it is to be expected.

To me she has always been that way. So I don't have much patience for it.

She is coming home Wed to her own home and we have a woman hired to care for her. I seem to be getting bad vibes from some family members who think she should be living with us (my husband is an only child) but she can't handle the stairs in our house and she gets both of us very upset and she really does want to be in her own house.
Thanks for listening.

Just to give you an example of the way she likes things perfectly, exactly the way she wants them, I offered to buy her new pajamas.
She told me the brand name of the pajamas she considers "good enough to wear to the hospital"
I went to a store and told them the brand name. They said that company has been out of business for 17 years.
I was laughing she has "good pajamas" she has been saving for 17 years.

I asked her where she got those pajamas originally. She said her mother in law gave them to her one Christmas.
Her mother in law has been dead for 35 years.

And I'm supposed to find pajamas exactly like those.
Wish me luck!

Iggy the Lizard

08-28-08, 07:03 PM

just a thought,do you have the label out of the old pair.

mzsandeestar

08-28-08, 07:05 PM

I could get it, but the company has been out of business for at least 17 years.

Iggy the Lizard

08-28-08, 07:06 PM

sew it in the new pair.

Maestra

08-28-08, 07:09 PM

Sandee, I can relate, though it's a mom-daughter relationship, not mother-in-law. My mom has gone through similar experiences with her own mother recently. She fell on her 80th birthday and broke her femur. She was always a bit ornery, but the fall increased it dramatically. When she left the care center (before she was healed, by the way - but she wasn't making enough progress to stay in - how does that logically work?!), she wanted to return home. Some family members thought she should live with my mom, but my mom and my grandma agreed it was best NOT to do that. She wanted to be home; my mom works too much and wouldn't be there to help grandma anyway.

I think you're doing what you can. :awwhug:

strandediniowa

08-28-08, 10:45 PM

Sandee - I'm glad you've decided to post here. While none of us can give you the solutions, it is a great place to vent and get some ideas.

Sadly, I have had some of these issues with my mom. She has also always been a "glass half empty" person, and when she had her knees replaced a few years ago it was pretty rough. She said she was winding down, and I asked her why we were replacing body parts if that was the case. That kind of spurred her to get moving again, but I know we will face similar issues again.

Trying to ride herd on doctors is about as frustrating as it gets. And the pressure, real or imagined, from other family members is pretty awful too. It is hard to feel that you are ever doing enough - even though you know you are doing everything that you can. (These are my own issues coming through :))

The fact that you are thinking enough about this issue to post here, and to worry about her pajamas for heaven's sake, speaks volumes about your level of concern and your wishes to do your best.

Remember that we're here when you need to vent. :Hugglepounce:

BTW - I love Iggy's thoughts on sewing the label in the jammies!

mzsandeestar

08-28-08, 11:45 PM

Yes, it was a cute idea about sewing in the label, but she is mentally sharp as a tack and she wants the pajamas that she wants.

Interesting lesson about pajamas learned through this ............ She apparently has had these pajamas in the drawer since at least 1970. She is a very small person and the pjs are size small. They are really small, like child size.

When I go to look at pajamas today, the size small pjs are about five times as big as the ones she has.

It says something about how Americans have changed size in the last thirty years and clothing manufacturers have changed right along with them.

Thanks for all the kind responses.

It really does help, and keeps me from coming here just to think up another way to move an island.

GardenMom

08-29-08, 04:27 AM

Since you say your MIL is still sharp as a tack, then it has to be enormously frustrating to have her physical body cave in when mentally she is just fine. I know it would make me irritable! Regarding the pajama issue: If you can, go buy a whole bunch of new, nice pajamas in different prints and styles. Leave all the tags on and bring them to show her, asking her opinion about which ones she could make do with. Commiserate together about what kind of world we live in when a decent pajama factory can't stay in business. Then promptly return all the unchosen ones for a refund. You're showing you respect her opinion, realize she has the ability to make her own decisions, and you respected her wishes enough to go that extra mile to offer her lots of choices. Should be a win-win.

And as for family members who think she should live with you...IGNORE their comments!

MayBear

08-29-08, 07:43 PM

Excellent idea GardenMom :clap:

Back to the Dr. issue... :rolleyez: I went thru something similar with my own mom. She was having SO much pain and FINALLY went to the dr. Told him her ulcer was acting up again. He wanted to do some tests and she said no that it was just her ulcer.

He gave her "ulcer" medicine and she died less than a year later of colon cancer.
BUT if she didn't want the tests! :rolleyez: She didn't like doctors. And if she was still alive, she's be 81.... about the same age as Sandee's MIL... so there's something about that generation. Just didn't want to go to dr for lots of tests and stuff I think.

So, Sandee :awwhug: I wish you the best. I know that FIL is moving into a trailer next door to us, but in reality, he's moving in with us. The only thing he'll be doing is sleeping in that trailer I'm sure. And then if his health deteriorates at all.... :no: You get the picture, right...

I really wish I had the answers for you.... You sound like you really really do have a big heart :awwhug: Just know we're here to "listen"

mzsandeestar

08-31-08, 07:58 PM

Thanks for responding.
My story with my MIL and doctors is completely the opposite of yours. She went to doctors faithfully and went through every kind of test imaginable and then just accidentally because when she was in a different place she wound up with a whole new team of doctors who found this cancer that they say has been there a long time and not one doctor ever mentioned it.

Not one of her original doctors will return our phone calls and the new doctors will not talk to the old doctors so they can get her real medical history.
I don't trust doctors anyway, but this has been an experience to destory all faith in doctors.

brdmom

08-31-08, 10:19 PM

I don't usually like to go this route, mzsandeestar, but you might want to consider contacting an attorney. Doctors are only human and can mistakes but they should take some responsibility for it.

How'd the pajama search go? I love GardenMom's idea of commiserating about the state of the world today when you can't get a decent pair of pajamas any more! :)

Lostaway

08-31-08, 10:32 PM

sew it in the new pair.

:rotfl:

Awesome.

mzsandeestar

09-01-08, 01:02 AM

Well she has new pajamas , but I'm sure she won't wear them.

Doesn't matter.

strandediniowa

09-01-08, 01:10 AM

Well she has new pajamas , but I'm sure she won't wear them.

Doesn't matter.

:Hugglepounce: You get points for trying - at least from us!

brdmom

09-01-08, 12:11 PM

Well she has new pajamas , but I'm sure she won't wear them.

Doesn't matter.

You can bring the jammies to the crabby MIL...

You got them - you're doing the best you can (since that time travel machine of yours isn't working yet - if you were a better DIL you'd have that fixed by now! :D ), and don't take personally any comments she makes to the contrary.

GardenMom

09-02-08, 03:18 AM

Slight topic change - but this thread stirs up memories of my mother's battle with Alzheimers. Does anyone else ever fear becoming a negative, difficult old person? I wonder what my children will think about me? The genetic implications of Alzheimers scare me to pieces.

Maestra

09-02-08, 03:28 AM

Absolutely, GMom. So far, Alzheimer's hasn't appeared in my immediate family, but it has affected several family members related through marriage. It's been so devasting to them. I can't imagine being the person with Alzheimer's nor the family person of someone diagnosed as such. It's heartbreaking.

Iggy the Lizard

09-02-08, 03:33 AM

Bless them that take care of us

LOST lunatic

09-02-08, 03:53 AM

She is coming home Wed to her own home and we have a woman hired to care for her. I seem to be getting bad vibes from some family members who think she should be living with us (my husband is an only child) but she can't handle the stairs in our house and she gets both of us very upset and she really does want to be in her own house.
Thanks for listening.

Sandee, nice to meet you! I left a job to take care of my paternal grandfather in my home. He was of the old school - the woman stays home, doesn't drive, etc. He was very very very hard to please at first. I wanted to do a good job and tried to understand that it was hard for him to not be living at his own home any more. My three children bless their hearts, had feeling hurt by him quite a bit which put pressure on me to try and keep the peace while not hurting anyones feelings. The stress of taking care of him took a large toll on me mentally - we both went on anti-depressants. I was lucky to have my mom come some weekends so I could get away for a day or so. My point is this, if you feel you cannot handle the stress and the day to day care of MIL do not let other family members make you feel bad. It's easy to say " I would do it or you should do it" but chances are they have no idea just what this means to you and your hubby. Having her be able to stay in her own home and having a nurse come to help her is good if it works out. If not then your hubby can make a different choice for her. Please do not feel bad or guilty for knowing you would not be able to handle it. And given the feelings between the two of you it is probably for the best that she not stay with you. If you need anything or to talk I am always available to vent!

GardenMom

09-02-08, 04:00 AM

My mom actually hid the disease from us for a number of years. In retrospect, we should have seen the signs - but it was the furthest thing from our minds. When she was having vivid hallucinations and I had to bring her to the hospital, they ran a bunch of tests. But in all of that testing, they never once said the words Alzheimers or dementia. They suggested she not be allowed to drive, and they put her on vitamin B12 injections...which she was instructed to administer to herself! Duh! I get mad all over again just thinking about it. If they had told us upfront that it was Alzheimers, we could have had about two more years with a better quality of life for her and for us. Instead, we just kept plugging away on our own, until it got too advanced. Instead of physicians providing the information we needed, the most helpful information I ever got was from a book called "The 36 hour day" (or something like that...I can't remember the exact title...OH NOOOOO!) Anyway, that will always be my most frustrating experience with modern medicine.

melostmo

09-02-08, 02:23 PM

^ I've read "The 36 hour day"

Alzheimer's needs to be diagnosed by a Psychiatrist..
and w/o proper medication, it is very difficult to handle
or live w/those afflicted.

add
early treatment & meds will save the family much heartache
and relieve the patient of much of their misery

mzsandeestar

09-03-08, 01:22 AM

Thanks for mentioning the book. Maybe I will look for it. I really do not think she has Alzheimers, but she does get confused sometimes and say things that don't make any sense.
She also gets herself all upset about things that are totally unreasonable. She insists that the woman who takes care of her ruined all her furniture with water and ruined all her clothes by washing them wrong and she sees dirt on the floor where there is none.
Doctors don't help at all with that kind of problem.
We did take her to a neurologist, but he said her faculties were excellent for her age.

To show you how competent her original doctors and hospital were, she had MRIs of her knee and her skull and the hospital sent the results from the knee to the neurologist.
When we went in to see him he said "I don't know how to say this. I never had to tell anyone this before. You have a torn meniscus in your knee."

melostmo

09-03-08, 01:50 AM

she does get confused sometimes and say things that don't make any sense.

neurologist, but he said her faculties were excellent for her age

she sees dirt on the floor where there is none

bit of a contradiction there ^
She needs to be properly tested
sounds like dementia or Alzheimer's

GardenMom

09-03-08, 05:17 AM

This does sound similar to some of the early signs that we wish we had recognized in my mom. For example, my mom lived in the country, and during the summer months, little sugar ants would get in the kitchen and she'd put out poison to kill them off. When I visited her one day, I noticed that she had a whole bunch of the little poison cards around the kitchen. When I asked her about it, she said she had a really bad ant problem. Weeks later, I took her to the hospital for a different problem and when they assigned her to a room, she started complaining how dirty everything was and that there were ants everywhere. She said she saw them all along the baseboard. I touched the baseboard and she said I had my finger in the middle of them. She saw the ants - they were very real to her. But there were no ants.

Her hallucinations progressed from ants (very minor) to monsters in the garage and witches in her yard (very major and scary).

Like I said before, my mom hid her failing memory. She was a vibrant, active, outgoing and highly intelligent woman who ran her own business. She was always charming and an entertaining conversationalist. A doctor gave her a simple verbal test... asking her the names of objects in the room that he pointed at. When he pointed at the clock, she laughed most charmingly and said "Why are you asking me what that is? Don't you know yourself?" Then he asked her what year it was. She gave an incorrect answer. It was immediatly after that little test that the hospital advocate told me she should stop driving and start taking B12 injections. Never once did they mention dementia. We got to learn firsthand about that on our own.

MayBear

09-05-08, 01:13 AM

:pullhair: Ok, I told you earlier to not get me started about the '67 pickup, right? :rolleyez: Well, now guess what?

So, my dad gave us a pickup when hubby's car died and hubby drove that pickup until it died and got all of the goodie out of it.

When FIL decides to move down here, he spots that pickup in the back yard and says, "Oh my! I'm gonna get that going again!" :rolleyez:

I'm thinking ok, after you get down here, you can do whatever you want to it -- paint it purple and put racing stripes on it!

BUT, what I didn't realize, he wanted to start right then! So hubby has been putting in many hours messing with that '67 Chevy doing this and that -- all trying to please his dad. :rolleyez: We even towed it out of the back yard and put it in the driveway so FIL could have better access to it! :stare:

So not only is FIL's trailer/camper thing in our driveway, the '67 pickup is. Not a lot of room for me to park. Which I really growled about this summer when Attitude was in his wheelchair and we had to park half way on the street/half way on the driveway so we had room to unload him and his chair. :mad3:

Hubby's worked on it more than he should have. He has stuff he could be doing for us. FIL has worked on it once! :stare:

Now, FIL called today... wanted me to get plates for the pickup. :rolleyez: Yeah, Grandpa, I'll run down to WalMart and pick up a set for $2.99. :banghead:

In Nebraska, you have to have insurance to license a vehicle -- at least liability... And we've got two vehicles now we are paying insurance and taxes on.... What does he think? We are NOT well to do :no:

Ok, I shouldn't tell this... but he was sitting at the table looking at his bank statement...He was waving it all over...http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_huh_worry.gif I couldn't help myself.... his balance in just his checking account was 4 times what we make in a month!!! And that was his balance!!! :eye-poppi I know our balance is nowhere close to our monthly income.... :no:

:sigh: I'm NOT licensing the pickup... not yet..... I'll wait until he gets down here and moved in and actually starts working on it. If he asks why I didn't do it, I'll tell him... The kids needed school clothes. I didn't have enough money to do both -- which is the truth. :flex:

Ok... I just needed to get that off my chest. You guys are like my journal where I write stuff down to get it out of my system! :shiny:

Thanks for listening... http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_bear_hug.gif

brdmom

09-05-08, 01:27 AM

Oh, Maybear, Ai-yi-yi!!! It's your worst fears coming true, huh?? And of course this is the kind of thing that it's hard to complain about without someone (FIL) thinking you are being unreasonable (because of course he doesn't see how completely disruptive and unreasonable he's being!). Hold firm on not getting the plates until that car is ready to run and then tell him that he can get the plates himself. And you can certainly say that you and the Attitude need access to the driveway so the car needs to be moved.
Yeah - more confrontation - my least favorite thing!!
So - keep venting here! My sympathies go out to you!

azteclady

09-05-08, 03:49 AM

mzsandeestar, coming late to this but... if your MIL's previous doctors are still not answering phone calls, send a letter--the ones where the recipient has to sign something?

Keeping a paper trail of your efforts to obtain this information would help if you *had* to go the lawyer route--plus, if you explain that in the letter, it's more likely the doctors' offices will feel some pressure to help.

IMO, of course.

mzsandeestar

09-05-08, 02:34 PM

We have to take her back to see the orthopedic surgeon who did her hip surgery because she does need it xrayed to see how it is healing . I don't really know if we should write him before we make an appointment to see him or after.
I do think your suggestion about putting it in writing should apply to her family doctor who has ordered every test over the last few years and totally missed mesothelioma.

Khan

09-06-08, 11:52 PM

I just started reading this thread and have never been married so no direct in-law problems. However I've observed quite a few and have spent hours on the phone with relatives or friends who have had some very unhappy situations.

I'm wondering if Maybear's FIL isn't feeling useless. Unless he's been a seriously controlling person all along it's possible deep down realizes he's not on his turf anymore. At his age after building alife and being used to being the final say on what happens he finds himself somewhat at the mercy of others. Not literally perhaps, but emotionally.

He could be lost inwardly unable to cope with his life's dramatic change and being without his wife.

If he's not a total control freak, stupid or selfish to the point of blindness, he has to feel to fit in with a unit he knows but never had to become such an intimate part of until now. He may react in the way he knows best by being dad to his son as he was in the long ago. It makes him feel strong, useful and worthy when his life has spun out of control.

He's very, very blessed to have family near, but he has to allow the "youngsters" to run things and be content with taking his relationship with his son and his family to the next level. In that place he'd be the occasional wise advisor , enjoy the company of loved ones, and be let them help him through whatever he faces in life.

Most people will never say "I'm scared, it's your home and I don't feel as though I have a place here." or whatever it is they are going through. Nine times out of ten they never see whats driving them anyway.

It can take a tremendous amount of love and hard work (sometimes with lots of hair pulling, smashing dishes and destroying anything non animated) to get someone like him to adjust, accept your welcome, and settle down to a good life surrounded by those who care.

Vent away Maybear there are those here who can make the road a little easier and it helps to let it out harmlessly.

MayBear

09-09-08, 05:55 PM

strandediniowa

09-09-08, 08:18 PM

Hang in there May :Hugglepounce:

Khan

09-09-08, 09:09 PM

:awwhug: Thanks Khan... Your words are always so wise.
You hit the nail on the head pretty good....

The thing is though, he wasn't around hubby when hubby was growing up. I think this has a lot to do with that -- in some way -- whether either one of them realizes it or not. :)

So FIL will be here the first of October full time. We'll see how it goes then.
Oh crap. Not being there enough when his son was a child can make it so much worse.
Neither may fully understand or have dealt with the underlining emotions. Hubby may have deep need for "daddy" that was never resolved and father may have the need to be "daddy" in a way that doesn't really work between adults.

The ironic thing is the situation is perfect to be fulfilled as a family, with new great bonds and lots of love if they would just both relax and give everyone the time needed to get there.

You're in the middle, plan time just for you, listen to your favorite music as often as possible, hang out with your friends at least once a week if only for lunch, and buy lots of cheap breakables.:D

MayBear

09-23-08, 01:41 PM

Just a quick update.

FIL was here a couple of weeks ago... I think.. :rolleyes4 I have no idea anymore... It's all running together... But while he was here... :stare: :omg: And then he :pullhair: :disgust1: :(

:mad3: So if that happens again - :gonnagetit:

He officially retired on Saturday. He's bringing down a load of shi stuff today and headed back to Denver all in one day. He' bringing "a friend" with him :rolleyez: Don't get me stared. Apparently he's taking our '67 Chevy with him to get it up and going. :stare: He'd better not mess it up!

Then this coming weekend, hubby will go down there and help him pack up the rest of the stuff and FIL will move here to Hicksville full time! http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_102.gif

It's gonna be different, that's for sure.

I imagine, he'll be at our house every evening for supper. I just see it happening like that whether that's the "plan" or not.

I told Hubby that I'd like a family picture taken (at WalMart.. nuthin' fancy) and first thing out of his mouth "And Grandpa, too?"
:banghead:

And I said, "No. I want a family portrait of the PapaBear family. Then if Grizzly Bear wants a picture, he can have one, too."

Immediately, he was like, "We have a picture of YOUR mom."
My response, "It's a picture of her, me, and my brother. So if your sister wants to come and get in a picture with you and your dad, that would be fun!" :pullhair:

So, I can see issues down the road. Personally on this... I don't want a picture of GrizzlyBear with our family to send out with our Christmas cards. :stare:

Thanks for listening!
:grouphug:

CLUCK

09-23-08, 02:07 PM

Maybear, invest in duct tape.

That is all I have to say about that. Whatever you choose to do with said duct tape is your business. ;)

I have an inlaw issue...

Friday I asked my mother in law if she could babysit on sunday because my wife was working and I had to work with my buddy who owns a driveway seal coating business. I've been helping him out for a 2 weeks or so. Well, sunday morning my wife called over there to make sure she was still babysitting, and she exploded saying that she wasnt babysitting because she is tired of not having her weekends to herself. Now, I understand that she wants time to her self... but she had already committed to babysitting!!! So I had to call my buddy and tell him I couldnt do it because I had no sitter. He was pissed, I was pissed...

GardenMom

09-23-08, 02:29 PM

And I said, "No. I want a family portrait of the PapaBear family. Then if Grizzly Bear wants a picture, he can have one, too."

Personally on this... I don't want a picture of GrizzlyBear with our family to send out with our Christmas cards. :stare:

GRIZZLYBEAR! :rotfl:

May, your sense of humor will hopefully see you through all the upcoming frustrations.

I spent the weekend at a family wedding with my mother-in-law. I love her to pieces, but her 89 years is beginning to show. She is the only surviviving grandparent my kids have and I am just not mentally prepared to become the oldest living generation in our family. No matter what kind of problems the in-laws and parents that precede us can present, I surely miss the wisdom of their life experiences to draw upon.

MayBear

09-29-08, 12:25 AM

Khan

09-29-08, 01:12 AM

Vent to you heart's content MayBear.
Rose bushes? What meaning do they or planting in general have to him? Is he reluctant to settle in to his new home, the trailer house? It's a lot more like old home bunking in with you guys.....

ozanna

09-29-08, 01:30 AM

Just a thought MayBear, but maybe you could persuade PapaBear to move in with Grizzly Bear just for a little while to give you some breathing space !
Just a thought :D

strandediniowa

09-29-08, 01:37 AM

Just a vent.... :rolleyez:

So, GrizzlyBear has been getting his mail here in Hickville for some time now. And expects me to go to the post office to pick it up occassionally. I have a cute little box that sits on the floor behind our table I decorated with "Grandpa's Mail"
So, yesterday, when he arrives, he plops at the table, grabs the box and starts going through his mail. Well, like an idiot, I had left some of MY mail on the table. :irked: He got it all mixed up :no: he was making piles of what to throw out and what to keep and saying, "What the hell is this?" --- It was my newspaper from the Church! :rolleyez: So it's a good thing I just happened to walk by at that time :pullhair:

I did set him straight on that one. :disgust1:

So today, he http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_ecomcity.gif and then he hasn't even unloaded the pick-up and then he http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_gaah.gif. I can't believe it! He planted rose bushes!!! He doesn't even have everything ready to go in his trailer house yet! :banghead:

It's ok... He can stay with us! :rolleyez: Three hots and a cot! No problem!

:soapbox: Ok... just had to vent...

Thank you!
http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_bear_hug.gif

We're here for the venting May! Please keep it up as needed. Sorry to hear that things are so frustrating on the high plains. It was so sweet of you to make a special box for his mail - hopefully he'll get that system figured out quickly.

I know you are frustrated with him, but I am starting to feel just a tiny, tiny bit sorry for him. He is obviously a bit at sea. (I have the same issue with my mom, who makes me nuts with her attitude and actions, but I do have flashes of empathy for her.) This is easy for me as I don't have to live with the man. I know you must love him and it sounds like you have repeatedly gone well out of your way to try to help him. Is it at all possible that he viewed planting rose bushes as a way of helping you and PapaBear - or trying to show some thanks?

BTW - do you get enough rain there to actually grow roses????

Dew

09-29-08, 02:57 AM

Here ya go May http://i303.photobucket.com/albums/nn137/Dew2008/angelbearblueteardrop.gif

MayBear

09-30-08, 07:42 PM

:rolleyez: Ok... I have this cheap set of plastic tumblers... cheap.. gawdy... Set of 4. FIL takes them with him where-ever he goes! :pullshair: NOW... I'm down to a set of two. Why... Why do you need to take other people's cups and glasses and what not with you when you leave the house? http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_scratch_head.gif I don't get it.... :no:

So, the coffee pot "broke" yesterday while I was "washing" it, right? :stare: Guess who runs to town for a few things today and come back with a brand new coffee pot for me? :banghead: FIL.... :rolleyez: Just a replacement pot... not the whole maker... but my gosh.... That's a bit much... When he has one of his own across the yard in his own trailer....

And I know the little thrift store down the road has a kazillion of the coffee pots.... I was planning on going to get one there tomorrow -- for about 50¢... :sigh: I have no more words....

And I know I'm bitching and griping and making it sound like things are just horrible... and they could be better, that's for sure. But don't think it's hell on earth here... Like I said, things have GOT to change.... But it could be worse.

Ok... Back to chores I must get

Dew

09-30-08, 08:33 PM

(((May))) Does he take the cups maliciously or is he suffering from the onset of dementia? When my favorite uncle was diagnosed with Parkinson's and then Alzheimer's people got short with him because he couldn't remember basic stuff. I know you are having a difficult time and I have compassion for your situation. He did do 1 kind thing in replacing the pot he didn't break. I mean yeah he has his own but your house didn't. Did he have harsh words when he gave you this gift? He may view it as a gift. I am not taking sides just looking at it from a different perspective. I have a brother who I refuse to speak to. Haven't had anything to do with him since '02. We have had our run ins and years of no contact however he is verbally abusive so as of '02 he is no longer a part of my life. Some relationships are just toxic. Maybe FIL is one of those folks however you have him there. Try to find at least the human side of him once in a blue moon. Luv you. :)

MayBear

09-30-08, 10:15 PM

No, he's just kinda selfish like that. Is drinking something, and doesn't want to quit so just keeps it... walks away with the cup and everything. I image the cups, glasses, tumbles are over in his trailer or out in our garage or something like that. It's just that we've never done anything like that. If you want something to take outside to drink, take a disposable cup or plastic bottle... Not "good" cups and glasses out of the house :rolleyez: And for gosh sakes... you bring them back in!'

Oh, I know! He means good.... He didn't have to replace that coffee pot. He was just being kind.... More than kind.... :banghead: But I... it's ... the... I'm... that's... :sigh: Oh well....

I told you... it's not as bad as I make it sound, I'm sure..... It's just that he consumes much more of my thoughts and energy than he should. :rolleyez: Something needs to change.\

MayBear

10-02-08, 05:21 PM

Ok, I have come up with a euphemism an Epilady an epiphany!

Part of the problem I'm having with GrizzlyBear (aka FIL) being here is that I miss MY Mom and Dad so much and that him being here is really making me miss them more. I know they've been gone a long time... but his presence stirs up memories and the desire to have them around again.

I get teary:tears2: every time I think about this conclusion I've come to.

:pullhair: And why can't I get him to use a coffee cup to drink his coffee in the morning!!!!!! :banghead: I bought all kinds of BIG cups... But he insists on using his BIG plastic solo cup for his morning coffee -- in the living room! :irked: I asked PapaBear why and he said it's because he likes the big cup.... I have even said, "Grandpa, I've got cups with handles..." But nooooooooo..... :no: Same plastic solo cup.

He's taken all up one of the big cups I've boughten for him... I don't know where they are. I'm talking big beer mug type cups. :rolleyez: That's 3 or 4 now.

What's up with this!?! I don't wash that blue Solo cup? Where does it come from? If he can bring it over from his trailer, why can't he bring the big coffee cups back?

And SO HELP ME! :gonnagetit: If he spills that coffee in the living room! :mad3:

I'm just about out of coffee.... I really don't think I want to buy any more.... http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_angry_lac.gif But I know what will happen. He'll go get some from his trailer or go to the store and buy some. :rolleyez: Whatever.......

I'd better go get the car worked on...

Bye!!

http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_bear_hug.gif

:sadwalk: He's never going to move out of our house, is he? :sigh:

azteclady

10-02-08, 06:15 PM

May, if I may? (wow, that looks funny)

Your stress level will continue rising until you set some boundaries for both PapaBear and GrizzlyBear, and then make sure you stick to them. Right now you have kept your irritation at this violation of your living space to yourself, to the point where every little thing has become huge for you. It's not a matter of whether it is or not huge from an objective point of view (if there's such a thing for these situations) but a matter of how it's affecting YOU.

It takes up so much of your energy and thoughts, it can't be good.

I hope you can make both of them--or at least PapaBear--see that there are lines and limits to what you'll tolerate before blowing your stack.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warthawg1

10-02-08, 07:23 PM

I sense a lot of stress in this thread.

Seriously now.. you gots to let go of that stuff.. It'll kill ya... kill ya dead.

brdmom

10-02-08, 11:29 PM

May, first, you would be scoring very high on "How much stress in your life?" scale - on-going health issues, current health worries, child with special needs, five year old (mine stresses me!), plus new family member living virtually in your house - that is a lot for one person! I think you had a great insight that having Grizzlybear in the house is bringing up your grief. Take a little time to shed a tear (or more) for those you loved and who loved you. I do agree with az that the littlest things are now driving you crazy because the whole situation drives you crazy. If I may offer unasked for advice - it's probably time to decide what things are most important to you (returning cups, etc.) and sitting down with GB and explaining "We love having you here (okay, a little lie), but there are some things that I need you to do to help me. They may seem silly to you, but they are really important to me, so I'd appreciate it if you could really make an effort to do them. Please bring back your coffee cups, etc. etc." Don't do it when you are mad, try to say it in a clear but loving way that suggests that you know of course he'll do these things once you've asked him. It might not changes things around, but you do have to make sure he knows what you expect because no one can read minds!
But big hugs to you because I know this is such a stressful time for you, and because you probably feel like I already have two kids I need to tell how to behave- now I have a third one??? Big bear growl - GRRRRRR!!!

Good luck!
And go have an evening out with your girlfriends (or go out to the library for the evening and hang with your virtual pals!) - leave everyone else to fend for themselves for the night.

Khan

10-03-08, 02:28 AM

I agree Maybear take some time for yourself.

It's very, very difficult to have someone crash in your life in the currant situation .
He's hiding his insecurites by doing all the wrong things and Papabear is slammed with finally having his dad after never really having him.
You're dealing with health issues and you need support but that seems to be overlooked due to Grizzly issues.

Gently approaching Grizzly about the things that irk you may help. If you really want to go to extremes you could find time with him alone and tell him how you feel about your medical problems. It's radical, but you never know, he may hear you and make an effort to be more considerate.

Less extreme would be spending time , alone again, to talk about how he feels about losing his wife and moving. Perhaps something he says will give you a clue to why he's behaving as he is or at least it can be way to form some bond. It may be small and fragile but it's a positive step that could pay off later.

If it is dementia then it's best to know early. It could be a person set in their ways and hard to change. One way or the other he'll have to adjust.

MayBear

10-03-08, 03:23 AM

You guys!! :awwhug:
:awwhug:

:awwhug:

:awwhug:

You are all SO right, and I know it! Now it's a matter of doing it! :flex: :rolleyez:

:awwhug: Thank you so VERY much for the back up / support!!! :awwhug:

Dew

10-03-08, 03:26 AM

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MayBear}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }}

Just because :D

GardenMom

10-03-08, 03:19 PM

MayBear

10-03-08, 10:08 PM

May, I understand EXACTLY how you feel here. I love my only surviving in-law very much, but when I see her, visit with her, and especially watch her having fun with my kids, I am so torn up inside because I can't get to experience the joy of having those interactions with my own mom and dad. It is like I re-experience the loss of my own parents every time I'm with her. Now I'm all teary-eyed too, because it makes me feel so guilty when I think like this.

:tears2: :awwhug:

I know.... :awwhug:

MayBear

10-06-08, 02:14 PM

:pullhair: And now :banghead: :irked: :no: and if he thinks that I'm going to :rolleyez: :disgust1: http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_gaah.gif

Then PapaBear :banghead: and he was all like :rolleyez: and I said http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_ecomcity.gif It IS my house!! http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_angry_lac.gif

http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_swear2.gif
more crap and if it's not gone by the time I'm ready to go this afternoon it's going in the trash!

Enough :censored: around here. His :pullhair: and :banghead: but NOOoooooo! He still has to :irked: !! I'm :pissed: !!!

Those cutting little remarks :rolleyez: :no: :irked:
http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/smilies/anoyd.gif cups & glasses http://www.thegazebo.net/forum/images/smilies/Angry/frustrated.gif

Ok... I needed that! It's like http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/images/smilies/sad/stress_h4h.gif but I get it out of my system... Hopefully with a little humor with the smilies. :rolleyez:

Thank you.

ILoveEko

10-06-08, 02:32 PM

I have no idea what you just said.

Lostaway

10-06-08, 03:07 PM

I believe it was something about Apple Tart.

ILoveEko

10-06-08, 03:27 PM

Oh.

brdmom

10-06-08, 05:18 PM

I believe the gist is that May is going to get her hunting license to hunt Grizzlybears!:)

Sounds like it was rough weekend at the Bear house. Sorry to hear it, May!

MayBear

10-07-08, 03:39 AM

strandediniowa

10-07-08, 03:46 AM

:omg: :faintthud:

GrizzlyBear went to sleep in his own trailer tonight...

I can't believe it!! *smiley of shock*

I wonder if he'll stay there all night? I wonder if he'll come over for coffee in the morning? :hmm:

Maybe it's a small step in the right direction Joan. I know you are really, really frustrated with those male bears. Keep venting here. For what it's worth, your post this morning made me truly laugh out loud.

CLUCK

10-07-08, 11:43 AM

Maybe it's a small step in the right direction Joan. I know you are really, really frustrated with those male bears. Keep venting here. For what it's worth, your post this morning made me truly laugh out loud.
Exactly, Mary... baby steps.

Maybear, you know we are all here to support you. If he ever gets too far out of line, I know a guy who knows some guys.... well, you know... ;)

MayBear

10-07-08, 06:55 PM

:pullhair: Ok, another thing that :pissed: angrivates me! I think I've shared the story of the '67 pick-up.

Quick review -- MY dad gave us his old pick-up so PapaBear could have something to drive when his car died. It has since passed away, too. GrizzlyBear saw it in the backyard and immediately wanted to work on it and get it running again. I assumed it would be a little project for when he got moved in and needed a little something extra to do. But NNOOOooooo.... He wanted to get it licensed (which means it needs insurance) so he can work on it NOW) Come to find out he wanted to take it to Denver and have a friend of his work on it! :rolleyez:

OK --- now last night, I heard him talking to somebody and he told them that WE GAVE HIM the old pick-up and HE GOT IT LICENSED!!! :irked: I had to bite my tongue. And there is NO WAY IN HELL I will ever sign that title over to him!! http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_gaah.gif

It's the fibs and embellishments that are getting to me now! OK - lies! :rolleyez:

But it was a very relaxing morning getting the kids together and off to school without the 5th wheel. :yahoo: It just went smoother.... :shiny:

:soapbox: Ok... That's my soapbox for the day!!!

http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_bear_hug.gif
Thanks for "listening"

jamiept

10-07-08, 08:15 PM

YAYY

ILoveEko

10-09-08, 01:57 PM

I dunno if it's fair to accuse him of lying, May. Could be a misunderstanding, he may have taken it as you guys giving it to him.

MayBear

10-09-08, 02:00 PM

GrizzyBear/FIL has moved to is own place. The atmosphere here is SO much lighter... I could just frolic thru the house! http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_amok.gif

I know -- there will still be issues. He's living in our yard for goodness sakes. He's using our washer/dryer. He "embellishes" a lot. :rolleyez: There WILL be issues. But right now I think we (as in me) can handle it! :flex:

http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_bear_hug.gif
Thanks you guys for letting me bounce stuff off of you and for the feedback and for just being here to let me vent/journal - or whatever I've been doing here.

And I'm sure I'll be back to do more of it! :d

MayBear

10-09-08, 02:01 PM

I dunno if it's fair to accuse him of lying, May. Could be a misunderstanding, he may have taken it as you guys giving it to him.

Nah -- he lies like a rug :rolleyez:

MayBear

10-10-08, 09:26 PM

Just something I need to ask or get out of my system or something....

When GrizzlyBear decided to move here to Hicksville, he said that he didn't want a land line for a phone, that his cell phone would be good enough. I told him, "Umm... Hicksville is a dead spot. Really." But oh no, he was going with company X and they said they serve EVERYWHERE.

So, you guessed it. His cell phone doesn't work so good here in Hicksville. :rolleyez: So until he gets a land line hooked up, he's been using our phone. Not THAT big of deal, but he's been making more long distant calls on it than we have.

When the bill comes, to I ask him to help pay? Money is such a touchy subject. I think I mentioned that I happened to see his bank statement his was waving around one time. He's not hurting.

Maybe I should just wait and see what the bill is. If it's a lot, I really really might say something.

Our long distance charges are usually less than $30. I just can't imagine what a lot more than that will do to our budget now that we will be paying a propane bill each month. :yikes:

Again, money is such a touchy subject for GrizzlyBear and PapaBear. :no:

And it's "official" that GrizzlyBear will be eating supper with us each night. Well, that's a few more groceries. Which is a few more $$. (GrizzlyBear is a big eater)

I'm just gonna have to really budget I guess. The last time I "really budgeted" I went without my MS medicine for 3 months. :rolleyez: I ain't gonna do that again. http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_angry_lac.gif

So, I'm not really really upset... I just needed to get this out.... I worry too much I think! :rolleyez:

brdmom

10-11-08, 02:06 AM

Once again, I'm going to offer unasked for advice. Definitely let Grizzlybear know what his share of the phone bill is if it's more than $5 or so. That's completely fair. It is also completely fair to ask Grizzly to either chip in for groceries or do the grocery shopping sometimes. If he has the money to chip in, he should. But, I know how hard it is, but the earlier you get things fair, the better. You won't be stewing and getting (more) resentful. Is the propane for Grizzly's camper? Shouldn't he be paying that? You are clearly not rolling in the dough- let him pay his share. It's only fair and fair to everyone because then he won't feel like he's imposing and you won't feel put upon.

But good luck because these aren't easy conversations to have!!!!

Khan

10-11-08, 02:42 AM

Oh yeah he has to pay those long distant bills. Don't ever do without your medicine please MayBear. Most need time to really be effective so going without them sets you back way too far.

Slap only some rice on the table for dinner for a weeks to make the point if you have to, but let them all know there are limits and priorities. And when you put down the less than great meals make sure you show the adults the income and the bills that need paid.

Okay you probably have much softer way of doing things than me, but it has to be done somehow.

azteclady

10-11-08, 02:53 AM

May, at the risk of seeming unsympathetic, you really need to have a calm talk with your husband and get him to support you in establishing boundaries for your f-i-l's behaviour in your home. I understand you don't want to upset him, and also how they are both trying to build a relationship and you don't want to get in the way of that. But the longer you go without setting boundaries for your f-i-l and without securing your husband's support if (when?) those boundaries are not respected, the worse the eventual explosion is going to be.

And there will be an explosion, if simply because you cannot support an extra adult under your financial circumstances--but when you add all the little irritations, all those seemingly trivial invasions of privacy and violation of your family life, plus all the health issues you are already coping with... recipe for explosion.

I hope you can find a way and a time to have that conversation, to get his support, so that you two can then sit down with your f-i-l and establish lines of behaviour that will allow you guys to co-exist within such close quarters (because really, it may not be that he lives in your house but it's still your property).

I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Khan

10-12-08, 01:58 AM

:yeah: She's so good at this.
At this point I would have probably lost it and sat his butt down, told him how things have to be or deal with the consequences .

I think Az's way is better.:D

MayBear

10-13-08, 07:36 PM

Update:

:faintthud We're headed out the door yesterday on our way to get groceries and what not.... and FIL hands me a chunk of money! :surprise: To help with groceries!

I'll never understand GrizzlyBears.... :rolleyez:
I'm very grateful & appreciative...
But I guess it's a learning process....

brdmom

10-13-08, 08:05 PM

Well, yeah!!! So, maybe the Grizzly is able to be housebroken! :)
And I'm sure you know the power of positive reinforcement, and I'm sure you've said, "Oh, thanks so much GB. It really helps with the food budget." Maybe there is hope that this situation will turn out okay...and maybe there's some rewards for your good heart! :Cheers:

ozanna

10-13-08, 10:01 PM

MayBear - Thats great ! As long as he keeps it up !

But maybe GB also feels like he is in a bit of a precarious situation - OK I know I don't know him from a bar of soap (!) - but it seems like he blew in like a hurricane, upsetting everything in his path, and now he is settling down a bit ! Hopefully this wasn't just a one-off ! I agree with azteclady that a calm session with the three of you is the best way to get things sorted, lay down some guide lines and live in peace. And you start thinking about yourself MayBear ! :awwhug:

Khan

10-13-08, 10:10 PM

It does sound like he's beginning to understand he has to be concerned about the family as whole not just what he wants when he wants it.

Who knows what triggered his awakening but I hope he continues to be helpful and respectful. Staying in his own place seems to be doing him and everyone else a world of good. He's very close so he doesn't really have to feel so alone yet he has "his space".

It must be a relief to have some of the pressure removed.

MayBear

10-14-08, 02:35 AM

:rolleyez: Until this afternoon.... He's brought his washer and dryer and is going to hook it up in our wash room. Ok... that was the plan all along.

But then he comes up with, "Let's take your old one to the landfill."

:banghead: There isn't anything wrong with our old ones! It's been doing HIS laundry for 3 weeks! :mad3:

I just have been getting the vibe that he thinks his stuff is better than our stuff or something like that. He gave us his TV...

When we went grocery shopping, he bought some meat things that HE wanted to eat... but he put them in our fridge for ME to fix. I took that as a bit of a slap in the face. He can come over to eat... but he doesn't like what I cook. :stare:

Like I said, things are a lot smoother... but there are still issues... :rolleyez: Always will be... It's a "Who's the boss" thing... Who's the boss and who thinks they're the boss?

Ok... Just an update... and I needed to get that off my chest. :shiny: This is kinda like my journal...

Frecklestoo

10-14-08, 04:16 AM

Maybe he thinks he's helping you out by doing those things for you, May. He might want to make your home a little "nicer" (not that it isn't nice...that's not what I mean). He knows you can't afford a lot of things so by him giving you a nice TV and a nice washer/dryer might make him feel good. You ARE taking him in after all! Maybe it's his way of saying thank you. *shrugs*

MayBear

10-14-08, 02:02 PM

CLUCK

10-14-08, 02:34 PM

Can I jump in here for a second and ask for some advice?

My sister in law (wife's sister) just asked her husband to leave. It's been coming for a while, we all knew it. But, as soon as he left, EVERYONE in the family started bashing him. I mean, I think the man is lazy as hell, but they are all making him out to be someone who should never be let near the house, his daughter, etc again. It kind of bothered me that they all were talking that way.

Another question. My SIL is going to be very hard up now, but is the kind of person that doesn't like help. Is it okay to just go over to her place and finish up stuff her husband never did (siding on the house has been in the works for 2 years now, needs to be finished... unsplit and unstacked wood in the middle of the yard sitting there since spring, yard not mowed in 3-4 weeks)??? I dont want her to fell like we are throwing her a pitty party, but she works 2 jobs and is now a single mother.

What should we do to help her out? My wife wants to buy her groceries...

I have never been ina situation like this before (except my own parents, but I was only 12).

airlybird

10-14-08, 03:01 PM

I was in a similar sitch when i got divorced from my lazy as hell husband, there was so many things that needed doing that were half finished (as well as stuff he decided to trash on purpose before he left)...I would never have asked for help, i'd have muddled through on my own slowly but surely and would have spent money i didn't have paying someone for thier help, but my dad, my 2 brothers and my brother inlaw were brilliant, they just came and did stuff, all i had to do was feed them and provide refreshment, i was so grateful.
If she's someone who'll want to pay you, just tell her she's family and if she insists, tell her to buy you some beers, or ask her to return the favour by babysitting the kids so you can take the wife out.

CLUCK

10-14-08, 03:12 PM

jamiept

10-14-08, 03:13 PM

:yeah:

Cluck, Just go over and do it. If she ask why, just say it looked like it needed fixing and you had the time. I wouldn't join in the bad mouthing of the husband. (She is the one who married him...) Just be good family.

If she wants to pay you, let her bring the kids over and cook dinner for your family (with your groceries)

jamiept

10-14-08, 03:15 PM

to add...

Don't try to do everything at once, just little things every once in a while. Then it won't seem like a pity party, just what a BIL should do...

LostVoyeur

10-14-08, 03:39 PM

CLUCK...I think that is the greatest thing ever!! Wanna be my bro ?

The thing that got me the most about your post (since I am going through it now) is the fact that everyone is bashing him. He may deserve it and may be exactly what y'all say he is. PLEASE don't say these things in front of her. Y'all may think you are backing her, but at least in my case, hearing people talk bad about my ex only makes me feel worse. Makes me feel like WTF y'all knew this and didn't say anything and acted like all was OK. AND what IF they get back together ? TRUST me this will cause riffs in the family!

azteclady

10-14-08, 04:09 PM

CLUCK, I agree wholeheartedly with airlybird and jamiept. As long as you don't overwhelm her by doing everything in one big push, she may protest a bit but inside she'll feel gratitude. I suggest that you be as matter of fact about the whole thing as possible, i.e., "you are family"

On the trashing the soon-to-be-ex bit... I agree with LV, but even more, the children hear these comments, and they internalize them. Kudos to you for not contributing to that, CLUCK.

strandediniowa

10-14-08, 04:37 PM

:awwhug: I know... You're probably very very right. Things just hit me the wrong way. :rolleyez:

Thanks for the input/feedback.

Just keep venting at us May to let it out, but you should try to take a look at some of these things through different eyes. I don't blame you a bit, but I think that, because of this situation that has been foisted upon you, you may be overly sensitive to what FIL is up too. I'm sure I would react the same way. . . it's much easier said than done . . . but try to find some positive in what he has to offer.
:yeah:

Cluck, Just go over and do it. If she ask why, just say it looked like it needed fixing and you had the time. I wouldn't join in the bad mouthing of the husband. (She is the one who married him...) Just be good family.

If she wants to pay you, let her bring the kids over and cook dinner for your family (with your groceries)

I agree.

CLUCK...I think that is the greatest thing ever!! Wanna be my bro ?

The thing that got me the most about your post (since I am going through it now) is the fact that everyone is bashing him. He may deserve it and may be exactly what y'all say he is. PLEASE don't say these things in front of her. Y'all may think you are backing her, but at least in my case, hearing people talk bad about my ex only makes me feel worse. Makes me feel like WTF y'all knew this and didn't say anything and acted like all was OK. AND what IF they get back together ? TRUST me this will cause riffs in the family!

Yep, I would avoid saying anything about the lazy slob! :D You are really a sweetheart to want to help her . . .

jamiept

10-14-08, 06:33 PM

Just for You MayBear

http://i234.photobucket.com/albums/ee219/jamiept/CIMG1702small.jpg

Khan

10-14-08, 10:48 PM

Maybear I still have hope he's trying but doing it the wrong way.
Once you get rid of your washer and dryer you'll be, in a sense, using his. Even if he couldn't care less you may feel odd. It's not uncommon for someone to throw in another's face that they gave them this or that, even demanding the items back.
If it you decide to do it and those you own are working fine don't trash them, store, sell or give them away.

Is his TV better? Does it mean he'll feel free to sit all day and night in your living room watching what he wants to watch because it's really his?
If that's not how he'll behave, then put the currant away if you do not wish to sell it or give it away.

He may honestly be trying to fit in and make himself valuable. Only like a big bear he lumbers in whacking things around doing this and that in all the wrong ways.

Is it at all possible deep down he feels out of place, fearful of not being accepted or lost because he's no longer in control having to emotionally depend on a son he hasn't been close to and his family?

I am not making excuses for him. He could be one of those overbearing people who try to take over everything within sight. He will have to learn to fit in, not rule your home. He's not top cat ...urrr.....bear... and that's all there is to it.
He has a great family very close, and if he wants to really be a part of the family he has to show bond. That means showing appreciation and respect for the adults that head the family. He's in a good position, he's needs to be thankful for it. If he is, he has to do something to make you feel at ease with his "gifts" so you'll know that's what they are.

MayBear

10-18-08, 10:32 PM

I just need to get this off my chest.... :rolleyez:

So when MIL passed away, FIL gave me and Stinkerbelle a bunch of her dolls. She collected the big fancy ones. And I said, "I love them! Thank you. But I don't have any place to put them."

He said not to worry, that when he moved down here he'd bring one of his/her curio cabinets. I was SO grateful.

:rolleyez: He did. He also brought all the western figures that were in it when he had it at their place. So... now I have a curio cabinet... full of western figures... :rolleyez:

Is it just me, but is that kinda weird. "Here you can have this curio cabinet, but you have to display my stuff in it."

So -- I just needed to say that to somebody. http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_unsure.gif It's all part of Bear World -- apparently.

GardenMom

10-19-08, 03:22 AM

MayBear

10-19-08, 04:18 PM

I'd simply consolidate some of his western figurines and make room for a few dolls. Then you have a unique display of both your MIL's and FIL's treasures. It could become quite a conversation starter.

I think I will... eventually... when all the "newness" wears off..

Those dolls really deserve better than a Rubbermaid tote in the closet... :sadwalk:

MayBear

10-20-08, 11:29 PM

:banghead:

Gripe and complain....

I had to get our van worked on today. When I got home, OUR pick-up was in the middle of the driveway... so that I couldn't get in.. :rolleyez: Normally, we park off to the side so both van and pick-up fit. My gripe... PapaBear was at work all day. That means GrizzlyBear was using OUR pick-up while we were gone! He has a brand new 2008 pick-up with so many fancy gizmos on it it'll make your head spin. Our poor little pick-up just gets up by. Nuthin' fancy. :banghead:

So... I had to park way out and carry the groceries all the way to the house :rolleyez:

I get inside and the lights are on! GrizzlyBear has been doing laundry. Which is fine. That's the deal from the get go.... BUT -- even the kids know to shut the lights off when they leave the room/house! :pullhair:

I know... things I need to adjust to and "talk" to him about... and this is just stuff I need to get out of my system before he and PapaBear come in for supper ... :rolleyez:

So... That's why I posted... Kind of a theraputic (sp) thing :flex:

So there! http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_tongue_ss.gif

Dew

10-20-08, 11:36 PM

You need to set ground rules with Papa and make sure he gets Grizzly to follow them. Time to hide keys?? You should not have to but whatever works if you know what I mean.

((((((((((May))))))))))

Found in the Land of Lost

10-20-08, 11:42 PM

As far as the curio cabinet goes, how about bringing it up to him, since it was his idea to put the dolls there from the beginning. Something like, "So, are we still going to put those beautiful dolls in the curio cabinet? They would look so great in there!" might work. :)

MayBear

10-22-08, 12:01 AM

:banghead: :pullhair: :rolleyez:

:sigh:

And that's all I've got to say about that.....

brdmom

10-22-08, 01:45 AM

Khan

10-22-08, 03:14 AM

Maybear do you all ever have family meetings to discuss how to run things?
I mean the times when the whole group sits down and talks about what is expected of each member?

Have you thought of saying something like, "We need to adjust how we do things since our family has grown.( That keeps him from feeling like an outsider). Lets see how we can make our lives run smoother around here to save time and not keep from bumping heads. Any suggestions or problems we should all discuss?( Keeps from laying the blame on him or Papabear).

If you try it be prepared for utter silliness over dumbass issues, but if you hang in there you might be able to make a few real points.

MayBear

10-22-08, 09:38 PM

Is it Grizzlybear season, yet?

And May, on a totally different (and hopefully better!) subject - how does Stinkerbelle like kindergarten? My little guy is loving it! I hope she likes it too!

Hang in there, May!

:hunter: Is it? Don't get my hopes up like that! :nanabobo:

Stinkerbelle loves it!! And is doing great. We had parent/teacher conferences. Her teacher showed me one of her achievement chart/graphs....

• Stinkerbelle was here.

• Rest of the class was here.

• Average was here.

:flex: Talk about a proud momma!!!

:blinkie: Glad yours is loving it, too!!!

Maybear do you all ever have family meetings to discuss how to run things?
I mean the times when the whole group sits down and talks about what is expected of each member?

Have you thought of saying something like, "We need to adjust how we do things since our family has grown.( That keeps him from feeling like an outsider). Lets see how we can make our lives run smoother around here to save time and not keep from bumping heads. Any suggestions or problems we should all discuss?( Keeps from laying the blame on him or Papabear).

If you try it be prepared for utter silliness over dumbass issues, but if you hang in there you might be able to make a few real points.

I brought up a dumbass issue just to hubby last night.... and just like every other time, I always get the vibe and/or message that its them vs. me :rolleyez:

http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_unsure.gif
Who knows.... But I ain't cooking supper tonight. :no: GrizzlyBear brought over all of his rotting food yesterday and wanted me to cook it for supper last night. Well, I was bizzy cooking supper at the time with a very careful thoughtout/planned menu. I didn't have time nor space for wilted lettuce in a bag and black peaches. :rolleyez:

But, I need to take my son someplace this evening and the men bears are on their own for supper. http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_tongue_ss.gif They can have wilted lettuce and black peaches. OR leftover Chinese that I prepared last night that Grizzly made it more than clear he DOES NOT like and will NOT be eating again. :stare:

Whatever.

Back to the family meeting. I don't like it will happen. The men bears just aren't "into" that sort of thing. But I really like your ideas and I really appreciate them. :awwhug:

Grizzly is of the generation that the women folk take care of the kids, the men, and the house and shut the hell up.

Don't get me started on his views on the presidential race :rolleyez: You can probably figure out what his has to say about it!

:soapbox:

Ok... Like I said earlier... this is kind of my journalling... I get it out of my system so it's not all festering inside :rolleyez:

Thanks SO much everybody for the feedback!! :Hugglepounce:

Khan

10-22-08, 09:47 PM

Oh so it's a you vs THEM situation. No, that's not good, not good at all.
I'm a firm believer in a couple being a unit and both people in that union having each other as the most important person in their lives.

Papabear is going through his "I finally have daddy" thing while mamabear is bearing all the weight. It looks like he's the one you need to focus on for change because grizzlybear is enpowered by him.

azteclady

10-23-08, 01:54 AM

Feeling like your husband is siding with your father over you? Yikes and all sorts of curses coming out of my mouth. Any chance you can sit your husband down, alone, and remind him--with all the possible tact, which I lack--that his father is invading YOUR space and not just his?

And, depending on how that goes, perhaps let him know that the stress is not helping YOUR health any.

strandediniowa

10-23-08, 02:12 AM

Maybear - My continued sympathies for your frustrations there on the high plains. And what a good girl Stinkerbelle is!! :)

MayBear

10-31-08, 08:18 PM

Angry/vent post
:mad3:

So, we have not carved our pumpkins yet... yes, it's Halloween day. :rolleyez:

So the reason.... GrizzlyBear has taken ALL of PapaBear's extra time. I didn't want to do it without him because Halloween is his absolutely favorite holiday.

I figured if I don't so it this afternoon... it ain't getting done. So just now I was sitting on the kitchen floor doing the first pumpkin... Here comes FIL..
"What the hell are you doing?"

:pullhair:

Excuse me!!! :banghead:

So I said, "I'm carving pumpkins. It would have been more fun if PapaBear and the cubs were here."

He only answered something our plates being full.... :rolleyez:

:mad3: Yeah... with HIS stuff.... :pullhair:

Ok [/vent]

back to pumpkins....

Thanks!

azteclady

10-31-08, 09:01 PM

Pardon me???

wow.

May, you really really gotta have that talk with your husband about boundaries--that's no way to talk to anyone, let alone in their house!

ozanna

10-31-08, 09:40 PM

that's no way to talk to anyone, let alone in their house!
Just what I was thinking Az. I think I would have given him a pumpkin and told him exactly where to stick it ...... :pissed:

At least you have Stinkerbelle to keep you sane :cloud9:

Khan

11-01-08, 06:27 PM

Maybear it seems to me most of the problems can be traced back a single isssue, Papabear's need for connection with Grizzlybear.

It's always hard adjusting to new people coming into family especially if that person is an adult, sometimes the older they are the worse it can be because thye're used to being the boss by that time.

Many are facing this now since an increasing number of parents are living with or very nearly with their adult children. Suddenly all of the parent/child isssues come into play.
Most move away and there is distance , serious issues are most noticed on holidays or special occasions other than that it's likely to be minor possibly daily things, but there is some space. One can always feel they have a place to go to get away, home. But when the person is now in the home everyday life can be one skirmish after another in an elusive battle because no one quite knows why it has to be like that and what they want to achieve.

One moment it's over food, the next who uses too much or this or that, how to arrange things, rights to what is now common property, how to divide time, unwanted advice/orders, who needs to use whatever, etc. It's like California in the dry season, no sooner than you stamp out one fire up pops another.

Much could be avoid with basic repest. Simple but what so many long without knowing it. Respect for the unit of a husband and wife. Respect it's their turn to run a home, let them do it and if you have something to say approach with care and understanding. Repect the fact someone is upsetting theoir lives ot make room for you.

I grew up expecting to look out for famliy and those close. It's a way of life, cultural, but so is respecting marriage and one's home rather it be your childs or not. If an older person had to live with a relative they generally slipped without fanfare or trouble. it was family or someone like family. They did what they could to make the unit strong and no one expected them to do too much.

An example is someone who had to move in with her niece. She was getting up there, but she would do little things like helping in the kitchen, the weight of preparing meals was not on her but it made her feel useful and she was. The children of the family learned so much and at times the niece had a person she could talk to who had been there and knew so much.

It's not always good, you get the person no one wants to be around, but it's not always bad either. A little respect goes a long way.

Papabear needs to include you at times when bonding with Grizzly, in a way he's your father now too since you are married to his son. He needs grow close you both and sometimes it should just be you and him. Only that can't happen until he learns that so simple but so hard for people to understand concept, respect.

catnap

11-09-08, 02:27 AM

So my sister-in-law (my hubby's sister) is really irritating the hell out of me. We try to have his whole family to our house for special occassions, and it is a big deal for me, since it isn't a regular occurance (they all have to drive 2 hours to come to us). Every time, she brings an uninvited guest without asking or even telling me. She tells me at the door when she shows up with the person. And I am not talking about a date, she is married. It's her old babysitter, or her new babysitter, or whatever. And her kids are 11. I would say yes if she asked, but to not ask is just downright wrong in my opinion. I would never do something like that. So I finally told her off, and now I feel like the bad guy :mad:

ozanna

11-09-08, 03:55 AM

No you're not the bad guy, Catnap. You obviously spend a lot of time with the preparations and everything and having an extra person turn up on your doorstep can cause chaos with the menu and the table settings and everything. Maybe your hubby can have a little chat with her and explain that you're not being nasty, just practical. Maybe she does it because she hates the idea of people being on their own for special days, which is sweet of her, but at least tell the person who is doing the hard work ! Good luck !

azteclady

11-09-08, 04:02 AM

Better to say it outright than to continue stewing over it--but I think you should explain the circumstances to your husband (if you haven't done so, or again, if you have), because it *is* rude to bring people uninvited to someone else's house, no matter the occasion. Obviously, as ozana said, it's even worse on the host on special circumstances with a planned menu and what not, but even for a movie and coffee, one should ask first.

Khan

11-09-08, 04:12 AM

She consistantly put you in a bad position. On the other hand it could be someone she felt needed a family atmosphere. A lot of people are very lonely having no one or disconnected to those that should be close to them.

That's not an excuse for putting you in a "Uh Oh" position.. A simple phone call, explaining why she wanted to bring someone or asking for permission would would have been enough.

Taking people for granted can result in family flare ups leaving everyone with an emotional mess that can take a very long time to get over. Some leave enough bitterness that things are never the same. That does not have to be.

You did not ask my advice and others may have better opinions than mine. However this is what I would do since an in-law is family, not by blood , but family anyway. Even if someone doesn't see it that way the one married to a family member becomes intimately connected to family so eventually everyone has to deal with it.

Alright, you had enough and it got a little heated, typical family drama. Still this affects your brother. One, she didn't bring the person without him knowing about it and two neither may have known you'd like to have a warning first.

The first time you may have took without complaint. If you said nothing the next time then they may not know it's a problem.

Yes, most of us understand it should not be a given that you can make adjustments for people you had no idea would be at the gathering. One of the most annoying difficulties when planning a family or social event. I'm used to it but that's not the way it is everywhere.

When the time is right perhaps a calm calm with her and your brother, together or apart in whatever way you feel is best, can smooth the road ahead. A little openess can go a long way. I do not see anything in your post indicating you want her out of your life or have your brother choose between hi wife or his sister so taking a tiny step could help.
I'm not saying take the blame but, perhaps if possible in the future, deal with the problem without the fury .

catnap

11-09-08, 12:13 PM

Thanks Ozanna, Azteclady, and Khan! :awwhug: It is good to get some validation for my feelings! And Khan, I am always interested in your opinion! But the sister-in-law is not through my brother, it is my husband's sister. So everyone at my house for these gatherings (in this case, my son's birthday) is from his side of the family, which makes it uncomfortable for me to criticize someone. But since she does this a lot, even to the point that we have treated someone she brought to an expensive brunch at a restaurant one year, I felt I had to say something. My husband never has any idea she is bringing these people either. The people are and would be welcome, but I would *NEVER* bring someone the hostess didn't know without asking first.

MayBear

11-09-08, 03:01 PM

:awwhug: I feel for you Catnip!!!

Good luck!!! :goodvibes

Khan

11-09-08, 07:31 PM

catnap

11-09-08, 09:22 PM

It's harder when the all or the largest part group are from your husband's side. But you are not an outsider or the maid. It's your home and in those gatherings the one responsible for making it all run smoothly.

I can't help but wonder why she does it so often. It's really an odd habit.

^ You are right, and I AM a member of the family too! My husband and his other sister agree with me wholeheartedly, but neither of them ever say anything directly to her. While we were discussing it (sister-in-law and babysitter went out shopping, whatever) their Dad told me "life's too short to get upset over that, and who cares who comes, the more the merrier, etc." I am just looking for common curtesy!

My sister-in-law is a sweet person with her heart in the right place, but she is incredibly flighty about a lot of stuff. Their Dad often invited random people to their house, including a stranger from the convenience store that had no plans on Thanksgiving once. It is sweet and kind, I get it, but maybe also a little dangerous?????
So she invites people places without considering anything. In her defense, she really truly wouldn't mind if extra people showed up at HER house. But, that is her, and I am me, and for my son's birthday dinner I would like to be asked(or even given a little advanced notice if not asked!) if people I don't know can come.

ozanna

11-09-08, 10:15 PM

Actually Catnap, this put me in mind of a friend who's husband is a big boisterous, jovial Greek man, who is the most hospitable man I have ever met ! He would do anything for anyone, and he drives his wife mad ! And they have two sons who are turning out exactly like him ! But at least he only does it at his house ! I think some people have an instinctive urge to have other people around them as much as possible and thrive on the whole hospitality thing. But please don't do it at other people's houses. :):Cheers:

azteclady

11-09-08, 10:31 PM

catnap, ozanna said it very well--if sis-in-law does it at her house, more power to her. But your house has different rules--yours. And even if hubby won't say anything directly to her, you have his support, and that's paramount.

As for father-in-law, you may want to say something about life being too short to deal with repeated lack of courtesy from a family on top of everything else.

If I read the original post correctly, you first pointed out her rudeness to sis-in-law on an occasion when she had just brought an uninvited (and unknown?) guest to your house during a family reunion. You said you are now "the bad guy" and mentioned your f-i-l's comment, but what was sis-in-law's reaction?

If negative, I would suggest calling her in a few days and trying to explain it to her from your point of view. There are people who can't see from someone else's perspective unless it's spelled out to them (short words and repetition work there). Also, I would make sure to call her the day before every family reunion and make sure she's not bringing anyone no on YOUR list, while explaining again how uninvited AND unannounced guest mess with your plans, your head, your mood.

Good luck, catnap :awwhug:

catnap

11-09-08, 10:32 PM

Thanks Ozanna, that's exactly the way it is, except Italian, not Greek :) My father-in-law coached High School football for 40 some years; when he won a big game on a Friday night, he invited the whole team, the cheerleaders, and dates to his wedding the next day. Didn't tell his wife to be. I would have killed him then and there, but, that is the way he is. I wonder who paid for the wedding, now that I think of it?

strandediniowa

11-09-08, 10:40 PM

You might be fighting a losing battle there Catnap! You, and everyone else, who think that this is rude and inconsiderate are of course correct. It would drive me nuts too - but another, perhaps less difficult option - would just be to always plan for an extra guest or too. It just depends on how assertive you want to be, and whether this is an issue on which you want to take a stand.

Keep venting here though if it helps! :Hugglepounce:

catnap

11-09-08, 10:41 PM

As for father-in-law, you may want to say something about life being too short to deal with repeated lack of courtesy from a family on top of everything else.
If I read the original post correctly, you first pointed out her rudeness to sis-in-law on an occasion when she had just brought an uninvited (and unknown?) guest to your house during a family reunion. You said you are now "the bad guy" and mentioned your f-i-l's comment, but what was sis-in-law's reaction?

Good luck, catnap :awwhug:

Thanks, azteclady, that is a great comeback and I wish I had thought of it! Sister-in-law came late to birthday party, gave me a hug, and said she brought her new babysitter. I knew, only cause she had informed my husband 5 minutes prior on the phone while they were on their way to us. So I whispered in her ear, "I don't like this, you need to tell me these things in advance".
Then I went to another room and she followed me, saying she didn't think babysitter (who is in fact an au pere, however you spell it, but although she's had some in the past, neither my husband or I knew she had a new au pere - for a few weeks now I guess) would want to come. But apparently she was invited by sis-in-law and DID want to come. So I said, "You do this to me all the time, you can't just bring people I don't know without asking me or telling me, it messes up my preparations and my food". Her response was, "well, 'sitter' is family" as if that explains everything. So I said, "not my family, I never even MET her, nor heard of her til right now".
The au pere is lovely, I have no issue with her, it is my sister-in-law's lack of curtesy. She then left the 3 kids at my house and went shopping in town with her au pere. :mad:

catnap

11-09-08, 10:50 PM

Keep venting here though if it helps! :Hugglepounce:

It does help, immensely, so thanks to everyone responding! I've never taken a stand before, but I decided, how will she know it bothers me if I don't tell her?

Thanks for letting me vent, guys, and your helpful replies. I am the kind of person that needs to work something out for a while before I can move on. My husband keeps agreeing with me, saying his sister is rude, he knows that, but he doesn't really know what else to say. He's a very hospitable guy too, but he's not as outgoing or flighty as his sister!

Khan

11-09-08, 11:02 PM

^ You are right, and I AM a member of the family too! My husband and his other sister agree with me wholeheartedly, but neither of them ever say anything directly to her. While we were discussing it (sister-in-law and babysitter went out shopping, whatever) their Dad told me "life's too short to get upset over that, and who cares who comes, the more the merrier, etc." I am just looking for common curtesy!

My sister-in-law is a sweet person with her heart in the right place, but she is incredibly flighty about a lot of stuff. Their Dad often invited random people to their house, including a stranger from the convenience store that had no plans on Thanksgiving once. It is sweet and kind, I get it, but maybe also a little dangerous?????
So she invites people places without considering anything. In her defense, she really truly wouldn't mind if extra people showed up at HER house. But, that is her, and I am me, and for my son's birthday dinner I would like to be asked(or even given a little advanced notice if not asked!) if people I don't know can come.

Uh oh you're dealing with second generation tradition. That's a very tough nut to crack. Add flighty and just plain unthinking and you have a family explosion that was going to happen sooner or later.

A huge percent of the trouble in our personal lives would cease to exist if all those involved could see things outside our own point of view. Sometimes our way is right but often it's only right for us not everyone because we're willing to take the burden.

She's going to see things her way for her home but she needs to respect how you like to do things. Frankly I think , if possible , strengthing the personal relationship between the two of you is a good idea.
One, a distubance has occured because you were put upon one time too many. Two, since she is a sweet person with an open sharing heart who has a completely different way of seeing things she may not get why it was problem. She sounds like someone worth making the effort.

I sure you didn't realy you want to hurt her, just stop her. She may be hurt not knowing how some things she takes for granted cause anyone else difficulty. This looks like an fairly easy mend so I hope the two of you can work out the details of expected behavior that will make future gatherings what they should be, a joyous or binding in love time.

MayBear

11-10-08, 05:01 AM

sorry about the mistake catnap.
The problem of dealing with her and keeping the family on an even keel is still there.
It's harder when the all or the largest part group are from your husband's side. But you are not an outsider or the maid. It's your home and in those gatherings the one responsible for making it all run smoothly.
So you had enough and whacked her one verbally.She had to know and flare-ups can pass quickly.
Perhaps the opportunity will arise for the two of you alone to discuss it and get pass the problem. You have a right to appreciation.
I can't help but wonder why she does it so often. It's really an odd habit.

:wave2: MayBear.Grizzlybear and Papabear behaving or still driving you :crazy1:? ready to send them both into a short hibernation with a fry pan yet? :D
GrizzlyBear has more than stepped up to the plate! When I had my surgery and then had to have an "emergency" 2nd surgery right after that on Wednesday, he cooked for the kids, helped with homework, wrangled them to bed. He cooked supper the next night for them. He cooked lunch for us today! :flex: I'm really really glad he's here! :shiny: We couldn't have done this without him.
As far as PapaBear :rolleyez: He's been really good to me and patient with me, but he'll bring something up about me doing this or that and I'll remind him that the doc said not to do anything for 6 weeks, he'll just growl and grumble. I mean, he was right there when the doc told me (told us) that!

It does help, immensely, so thanks to everyone responding! I've never taken a stand before, but I decided, how will she know it bothers me if I don't tell her?

Thanks for letting me vent, guys, and your helpful replies. I am the kind of person that needs to work something out for a while before I can move on. My husband keeps agreeing with me, saying his sister is rude, he knows that, but he doesn't really know what else to say. He's a very hospitable guy too, but he's not as outgoing or flighty as his sister!

Can I through in a threadjack?
I don't even invite my husband's sister for anything anymore. She's welcome anytime, but I don't plan any meal or event and invite her. :no:
It took three or four times of them showing up 2 or 3 hours late -- for instance for Christmas dinner -- and then saying, "Oh... we're not very hungry. We stopped at Wendy's about 45 miles back." :rolleyez:
So I just don't invite them to an "event."

:awwhug: Cat!!

[/threadjack]

Khan

11-10-08, 02:24 PM

YES!!!!! I'm so happy Maybear old grizzy is showing what an old bear can do when they set themselves to it. There could be a bonus, he's truly becoming a part of the family, one who has proven to be valuable.

Adjustments when someone new enters our private space can be hell but this guy has been an asset and in time will be more of one as the many other issues are ended and he becomes a beloved addition to the family.
Those things are never a given it can take years before it all works well.

You had guests were on their way to a big dinner at your home, it was delayed for their arrival and when they did show up late they stopped at a fast food joint so they didn't want a meal? That would make me furious. I can undertsand not being able to get there on time or having a bit of leeway about time, but no...no... constant disregard is unacceptible. It's callous, and disrepectful. If someone goes through all of the trouble to prepare a meal and you've accepted the invitaiton the least you can do is show up in within a reasonable amount of time and not stuff yourself on the way.
You're doing the right thing, let her be welcome, but don't let her ruin anyhting.

Actually Catnap, this put me in mind of a friend who's husband is a big boisterous, jovial Greek man, who is the most hospitable man I have ever met ! He would do anything for anyone, and he drives his wife mad ! And they have two sons who are turning out exactly like him ! But at least he only does it at his house ! I think some people have an instinctive urge to have other people around them as much as possible and thrive on the whole hospitality thing. But please don't do it at other people's houses.
Yes it is an old,old tradition among Greeks. Hospitable and welcoming to those who come to the home, often even their personal enemies. The roots of it are very ancient but when one takes their culture into other cultures or layer them into modern living among those cultures problems arise.

There's was counter balance in Greek culture that until modern times (in some Greek places) that prevented excess burden on those offering hospitality. It's only in this age that one coming to the home is expected a tedious meal taking hours to prepare. Those were reserved for feasts, and people aimed at preparing a feast with huge amounts so extra people showing up only meant nothing to waste. People had simple tastes (still do among real Greeks) and original Greek food was and still among European countries simple and easy to prepare.
On hand things like cheese, bread, olives, nuts, fruit, veggies, olive oil, etc. made a meal. It's not like you showed up at the door and expected the homeowners to slaughter, gut and prepare a lamb to feed you. Wine was and still the premeire honored drink among those who keep the old ways. But since recorded history, and still traditional, the basic accepted drink offered to strangers and others is a glass of cool water.

Invaders left their ugly marks on the culture with foods and ways some consider Greek but are not, still the roots remain and it was not so hard to offer something to an unexpected guest if one was not so poor they had no food on hand.

catnap

11-10-08, 07:30 PM

Khan

11-11-08, 01:49 AM

So the best you can do for the moment is expect the same behavior and work around it somehow? That's tough, but it happens. Of course maybe something got through to her after all it doesn't seem to have been said or at least not recently so she may do some thinking next time.

MayBear

11-11-08, 02:03 AM

I'm glad FIL is helping you out, May!

I'm not sure if I should broach another discussion w/ my SIL re the dinner party. I mean, although I was feeling moody about the whole thing, we hugged and everything at the end of the night. Hopefully she understands how I feel & what I expect, but I sort of doubt it. I think she'll continue on in her way. I also feel it's rude to come to my house with the guest, leave her kids and the family she came to see, and go clothes shopping. She's done this twice now, once holding up dinner for an hour. But in the end, everyone just goes, "oh, that's sis".

So the best you can do for the moment is expect the same behavior and work around it somehow? That's tough, but it happens. Of course maybe something got through to her after all it doesn't seem to have been said or at least not recently so she may do some thinking next time.

So Catnap, I'm thinking you can just count on an extra guest when you invite SIL. So if you expect a party of 6 when you invite her... actually expect a party of 7, ya know what I mean. :)

As far as leaving the kids and taking off... :rolleyez: Who knows what to do about that.

:awwhug: Good luck!

Khan

11-12-08, 03:55 PM

I imagine if she justed asked for someone to watch the kids so she could have a few moments to shop, everyone needs a little personal time, then it wouldn't be so bad. It sounds like so much is expectation without politeness or mere sharing . "I really need some time to do such and such and it's too hard to take them , do you mind?' Then making sure you do something special for the one who helped you.

It's worrisome to ask that on family occasions because the hostess and host are ususally busy as hell trying to make it be a great time, the responsibility is on their shoulders.
It's too bad it's possible show up where she's shopping with the kids and let everyone make a day of it. The fact that she has a long drive to your home, maybe there are stores in your area that are not near her or she just wanted to get away for a while.

Frecklestoo

11-12-08, 06:38 PM

Catnap..if she's always late, tell her to be there an hour before you tell everyone else to be there. Then maybe she'll show up "on time." May's idea to expect an extra guest every time, might also help reduce YOUR stress when she shows up with someone.

catnap

11-12-08, 11:52 PM

strandediniowa

11-13-08, 12:13 AM

Yeah, I think I should tell her earlier, but then she'll hear differently from the other sis and/or Dad. As it was she thought it was at 1:00 when the invite said noon. So we told her in the morning that it was at noon, and she arrived at 12:45. *sigh* I don't care except her kids missed the best part, and my kid missed his cousins being at part of his party.

She always runs off to do something. This time she said she had some Ann Taylor coupons that were going to expire. When someone said, there's an Ann Taylor near your house, she said ours was better. Which is funny, since she's only here like a few times a year at most.

Hey Catnap - the fact that she always runs off to do something makes me think that maybe there's something going on with her. Do you think maybe she's trying to avoid someone/something? She brings an "insulator" with her when she brings an extra person - someone that deflects attention from her, and that she can attend to. She takes any excuse to leave for awhile at a time. Families often have subtle dynamics that are hard to perceive. One member of my family loves us all dearly, but is uncomfortable dealing with us all at once for lengths of time. Comes late, leaves early. He always has to go have a walk, run to the store, etc. It's just him and we deal with it.

Or maybe this is her only opportunity to "run off" and not feel guilty about it??

Hell I don't know - just playing pop psychologist. :) I know her behavior appears to just be rude and insensitive, but there may be some reason behind it that you don't understand. It sounds like you know she's not being malicious about it - and that's helpful I think. I know it's frustrating - but if these are the worst problems that you have with in-laws, then things could be worse, right? I don't mean to minimize your feelings at all.

catnap

11-13-08, 12:39 AM

No, she's not malicious at all, and I appreciate everyone's input! I just think we are like the two most different people in the world. And that's fine, I just want her to respect my feelings. She's so..all over the place...she just doesn't think about anyone else. Everyone dislikes the lateness thing, because it's like she's not respecting our time.

And she thinks everyone is like her. So if she suggests something that she would enjoy, and I say no, thanks, that doesn't sound like fun, she'll spend an hour trying to convince me that it would be fun and that I would love it. Meanwhile, I'm an adult and I've pretty much decided that I enjoy vacations with beds, electricity and indoor plumbing as opposed to tents and community outhouses. It's not like we can take as many vacation weeks as we want! But no, I would love it, according to her.

Khan

11-13-08, 03:40 AM

You are very different so finding a way to deal with each other will be so hard since she sounds like a very nice person.

You're the reasonable , responsible one so it's going to fall on you and those like you in the family. Been there, did that, still HAVE to do that and it's a royal pain in certain.... places.

Do all you can to make it easier on yourself and then come here and rant your butt off.:D

catnap

11-13-08, 12:11 PM

I think that about sums it up perfectly, Khan! Thanks! :awwhug: I'm glad I have this place!

MayBear

11-23-08, 04:41 PM

It's Sunday morning.

Grizzly came over to do his laundry. That part is ok... that was the deal.. he can come over to use "his" washer and dryer. But :pissed: IT'S SUNDAY MORNING!!!!

I had SO many plans for PapaBear and me! We were going to have a "talk" today because he seems SO much more relaxed. But Noooooooooooo.... I guess not today :irked:

And as soon as GrizzlyBear said he was coming over, PapaBear started being short with me again. :sigh:

:banghead: It's Sunday!!!!! Why does he have to do his laundry on SUNDAY!!!! It's not like he's working full time and is busy while we aren't here!!!!!! :pullhair: Nope! He has to wait until we are all home and want to have family time!

:pissed: I am SO angry!!! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Oh and he asks, "Is it ok if I do laundry now?" What am I going to say? If I say no PapaBear will be mad, Grizzly will be mad... I'll be upset... :irked:

It's a no win situation! :sigh:

Khan

11-23-08, 08:10 PM

No, no no!!!!! You are not married to Grizzybear. So you had set back, I cannot count the number of times when something was set up to do , after much work, and everything went wrong. Thta's happens so often just before a breakthouh. but I'm very tough cat sweetie and you need to dig deep and be a tough bear
I once saw a mama grizzly take off after a much bigger male grizzly and set his ass on the run when he got too close to her cubs. She didn't stop when he was backed off, oh no, she ran his ass into a new attitude miles away and I don't think he ever came close again. Never underestimate the power of a female when she is determined.

So you're not protecting cubs but you are protecting your relationship with your man something nothing living is suppose to mess up with. Find your time and your way Maybear. He is yours, you are his not grizzlies, once a man or woman moves on to marriage, parents have to back off and take another place, the wife or husband comes first.

MayBear

11-23-08, 11:06 PM

catnap

11-23-08, 11:10 PM

I feel for you May. :awwhug: You are in an AWFUL situation. Does Papa understand at all?

Dew

11-23-08, 11:21 PM

I know this is easier said than done however I would just ignore Grizz. I mean it when I say ignore, totally. Some relationships are toxic. Let him whine and drive Papa crazy. When Papa tries to argue with you then walk away and say I don't see that there is a problem. I decided to be just like you. Don't like it then change it. He is your father and I am not putting my health on the line for anyone but my children. Case closed.

I am a wicked woman huh. Well I haven't spoken with my brother since 2002. He tries to play the victim "oh my sis won't let me apologize." Hell yeah I won't because he is out of balance. Everyone is supposed to accept that this is just how he is and after 2-3 weeks everything should go back to where it was before his outburst. Shows the world one side and me the real size. Let someone else deal with his anger bursts. Oh an this isn't the first time. There was an eight year stint during the 90's.

The deal boils to this. Without your own health you can do nothing. Your health is number 1. Your family are number 2 unless toxic so in this situation May your family is your children. The 3rd is your job or work or volunteering or whatever. You cannot do well here if 1 and 2 are not in order.

If you feel you cannot do this then I understand. Some of learn it young and some of us learn it older. I was one of the older ones. Anyway, talk to your therapist. You really need to get this baggage out of your system. I will say extra prayers for you.

Extra angels over you always. :pray1:

Khan

11-24-08, 12:37 AM

It's odd that sometimes the more you know someone the harder it is to talk to them.
Maybear there a few things you can do that might help, these are in your control, oh you may slip and fall until you get control but that's perfectly normal.

One, decide what you want, that seems obvious but it's not since once you start thinking about those things you begin to see all they affect everything at that will bring about more to ponder. As you do this you'll eventually get to the heart of what has the most meaning to you. That's the one to aim at.

Two, put a mental wall between you and Grizzly. Make a fenced in place in your heart and mind that you will not allow him to come out of until he gives you reason. If he acts up, back he goes.
Do not let him be a focus as long as he's a problem. He has to earn the right to have your focused attention. Ignore as much as possible. He cannot take up too many of your thoughts, even when he's in the room.

Three, do not concentrate on FIL when talking with hubby. Let it be about the two of you. Too much centering on FIL will confuse the issues since Papabear hasn't clue.
You need time with him , you need his support, you need him to understand. Plant the seed of what you need and possibly when he's hanging around with Grizzly he'll check his watch and come home. A simple thing such as "I need more kisses and hugs" is not beond his reach and would be a beginning.

Four, be determined. It may take time, lots of time and more than a little wisdom but do not give up. Never allow yourself to think too far ahead, that's deadly to most if not all efforts since something often happens to upset plans. If a task is enormous or seems impossible looking at it that way will defeat you before you begin.

You have your goal and you have the pressures of everyday to deal with. Live in the moment, today, and take it one tiny step at a time if that's all you've got. If it failed today, then other opportunity will come.

Yes it hurts like hell and frustration can set in when a bad situation goes on too long, but Papabear is worth the fight.
You can't neglect yourself either so once you make up your mind what has to be and you'll get there however long it takes then you won't get thrown by skirmishes.
Find something , anything that makes you happy and do it, even if it's only sitting on the porch and watching the sun go down with a cup of tea/coffee. In your special time put all of them a way and just enjoy. That'll fill up your inner reserves because if you expend too much on the battlefield you'll fall.

Five, come here and let it out , it's a safe place with those that love you. It may not seem like much but does have positive effect in the long run. There many with no one on earth to talk to they can trust to care about them.

You're in my prayers and thoughts. PM if you wish to.

brdmom

12-03-08, 06:57 PM

RoseArienh

12-03-08, 07:01 PM

Do they have a favorite cause or charity? You could give a gift to the charity on their behalf. My Mom asked us to do this some years ago, because she didn't want any more dust collectors. We've done some really nice gifts to local ambulance corps, fire department, adopted a local family (anonymously), Ronald McDonald House, and one year, we fed a family in Africa.

I think pics of the kids are always a good gift.

strandediniowa

12-03-08, 07:04 PM

I think new dishes would be a great gift too BMom, but would probably prefer to pick them out myself. Do they want new dishes? If there have been comments made about them, or if you know your MIL would like new ones then I think it's a safe choice. Your two options of how someone might feel about being presented with new tableware are spot on I think - and it's pretty hard to tell you what the in-laws would think about such a well-meaning gift without knowing them. Turns out I'm absolutely no help at all . . . :)

Khan

12-03-08, 07:22 PM

New topic - Is this a controlling gift?

It's that time of year again - what do we get the in-laws for Christmas?? They live in a small apartment, so they don't need a lot of stuff. One idea I have (I've actually been thinking of this for several years) is to get them new dishes. They have these horrendous orange and brown flowered plates, etc. that are circa 1972. Those of you who grew up then will be able to picture them clearly! LLBean has very pretty stoneware place settings in a cream with blueberry pattern, and they are reasonably priced, so we could give them a set of eight. But here's the question - is that a nice gift or does it say, "We think what you have is really no good any more, so here's a replacement."
Be honest - I'm not wedded to this idea, and while I would love if someone gave me new dishes, I can see where someone else might be insulted...

(and we are also giving them the old stand-bys - photos of the kids!)

That is good logically but could be touchy. They may feel insulted. If they have no problem with them, and from what you said they're ugly, then perhaps they don't care.

Most like to have the suprise Christmas gift but perhaps it would be better to just ask the person "What do you want or what would you like me to help you get"? Many will say this or that but it's worth the effort to find out what they really would like to have. If they avoid answering it ask them to give a list of at least three and then you'll pick the one, it'll still be surprise but a wanted one.

MayBear

01-08-09, 12:50 AM

Arrrggghhh!!! I've got to get this off my chest and I just can't complain to PapaBear all the time.... :rolleyez:

So here I am again!

Things have been better, yes.... I know they could be worse, but FIL is doing sh stuff that just gets under my skin. AND he does it while he's trying to be nice.

Like tonight... he cooked hamburgers... First of all he kept saying how he'd had this hamburger for so long and he had to use it up before it got bad. Well.... That is just NOT appetizing. :vomit:

He brings them over in his electric skillet... The whole skillet... :rolleyez:
Grease and all.... and leaves the skillet for me to wash up. :mad3:

And the burgers themselves.... They weren't patties whatsoever. They were hands full of meat just thrown in the skillet. OMG... They were SO ugly. I couldn't eat them. :no:

And he bring stuff over to us that he buys and then doesn't want. Candy, nuts, ham. :sigh: I've got a lot of stuff in my fridge that I didn't put in there! :mad3:

AND yesterday!! yesterday!! He was doing his laundry when I got home from where ever I was. So I know he had been in the house and was the only one. Well, somebody (I'm not naming names) had turned off my answering machine. So after he left, I hit play and there was a new message -- one I hadn't heard..... But because the machine was "off" it didn't show up as "new."
SOOOOooooo, he's listening to our answering machine!!! :bandhead: EXCUSE ME!! I don't go around listening to other people's answering machines... even close relatives! :no-no: I just couldn't believe it.

Now, I'm sure there could be a glitch or a mistake somewhere in the machine that made that happen... but still.... It's suspicious, ya know. :rolleyez:

Then there's the laundry soap... and the loud voice, and talking to my kids like that :stare:

Ok... I've vented/journaled... maybe it'll get better now.

Thanks for "listening."

Frecklestoo

01-08-09, 02:00 AM

I know how annoying it can be when someone tries to "help" and all it really does is drive you nuts because it isn't really done the way you like it. I would suggest that you keep his intent in mind when he drives you nuts with this stuff. I'm sure his burgers were unappetizing, but how nice of him to cook for the family. Has he ever had to cook before? Is it a new thing for him? I know if my 10 year old made us burgers for dinner, they'd be less than appetizing, but I would love it that she cared enough to even try (she wouldn't clean it up either:rolleyez:). It sounds like he was just trying to be helpful and pull his weight a little. I think by putting food in your fridge, he's also just trying to help you out a little.

As far as the answering machine goes, does he get calls at your house? Could he have been waiting for a call? I think that would bug me, but as you said, maybe it was just the machine being dumb.

Anyway, May...I know this situation is a HUGE adjustment for your family and you are bearing the brunt of the work. But when Grizzlybear TRIES to be helpful, bite your tongue and just TRY to appreciate his effort...otherwise, he may stop altogether. As time goes on, you'll both feel your way around the situation and figure out a way to co-habit in harmony, hopefully. Meanwhile, a few glasses of wine always helps.:p

MayBear

02-24-09, 06:26 PM

So I run to town just now to get a prescription filled... get back 45 minutes later... And our pick-up's gone. :banghead:

FIL took it, I know he did. I just don't know why or where. :pullhair: He has a perfectly good pickup (2008) but for whatever reason, he wants to drive our (1998)

I think I know -- he wants to keep his for "good" ya know what I mean. :banghead: I just can't quite handle it any more. If I say something to PapaBear about it he ALWAYS has an answer... and I just get shot down.

So I stop and think, "ok, if this was MY dad how would I react." But the thing is, my dad wouldn't just take our pickup without asking if his was working ok.

:rolleyez: I think when FIL moved down here he just assumed what's ours is his. And yes, he has come in quite useful and there are times I'm glad he's here... but golly sometimes he pushes the limits, ya know. :tears2:

Ok.... there's my vent for the day.

Dew

02-24-09, 06:46 PM

I say take his pickup and go for a long arse ride. If he doesn't like it then tell him not to take yours anymore. Better yet, hide the keys so he can't use the truck. Change the locks if you have to.

OK there is my vent. I hate seeing good people being taken advantage of. :mad:

{{{{{{Joan}}}}}}

MinaKitty

02-24-09, 06:58 PM

I agree that taking your car without asking was beyond the pale. Common sense says that. If for no other reason than because of insurance purposes. Is he covered to drive that truck?

MayBear

02-24-09, 07:11 PM

See, the whole insurance thing is my gripe to PapaBear. :no: He just doesn't get it.

I think he must have his own key to the pickup now. :no: :rolleyez:

He comes into the house whenever he wants anyway. I don't want him snooping around looking for the key. :sigh:

catnap

02-24-09, 08:09 PM

I'm sorry, Maybear. I'm having in-law problems too, mostly my brother-in-law. He's a wreck, always has been. And he just got in a terrible accident, which I am sorry for, but I think he was drunk :mad:

No health insurance, no savings, and his job is commission only. Can't tell you how much money he has scammed from his family (not us, I refuse to be an enabler).

MayBear

03-06-09, 08:37 PM

:awwhug: I read your post days ago, Catnip... I know people like that and have NO answers for you or your family.

But you are doing the right thing by not being an enabler. :clap:

As far as FIL? :banghead: Some of the same old same old. I just have to learn to deal with it and let some of it slide...... :rolleyez:

catnap

03-06-09, 10:03 PM

Thanks, May. Yeah there are no easy answers. He's STILL drinking even on pain meds after the accident. :mad:

Meanwhile my husband was kind enough to go help him since he can't drive/doesn't have a car now.

MayBear

03-21-09, 03:32 PM

:banghead: :pullhair: :stare:

Dew

03-21-09, 04:19 PM

{{{{{Joan}}}}} FIL is at it again, I assume. :awwhug:

MayBear

03-21-09, 11:56 PM

:pissed: http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_hissyfit.gif :banghead: :pullhair: :pissed: :mad: :mad3: http://www.anafor.ru/forums/style_emoticons/default/smilies-055.gif :tears2: http://rainiehkfc.com/bbs/images/smilies/mad.gif
:banghead: :pullhair: :pissed: :mad: http://www.anafor.ru/forums/style_emoticons/default/smilies-055.gif :tears2: http://rainiehkfc.com/bbs/images/smilies/mad.gif :pissed: http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_hissyfit.gif :banghead: :pullhair:

brdmom

03-22-09, 09:27 PM

Oh dear, I didn't know there were that many frustration smilies! (though maybe they should be called "frownies".)
Sorry to hear things aren't going well...

MayBear

03-23-09, 02:35 AM

Oh dear, I didn't know there were that many frustration smilies! (though maybe they should be called "frownies".)
Sorry to hear things aren't going well...

:awwhug: Thanks sweetie!

It was just a whole bunch of little stuff that added up :rolleyez:

But now -- :yayconfet He's gone for 2 or 3 days!! And I'm SO relaxed!! :yahoo: :Cowdance: :Hippy: :woot:

Dew

03-23-09, 03:37 AM

Yeah {{{Joan}}} Party time at your place. :yayconfet

MayBear

03-24-09, 12:45 AM

Yeah {{{Joan}}} Party time at your place. :yayconfet

:sadwalk: He decided to come back early... :banghead: He'll be here in a couple hours :sigh:

Dew

03-24-09, 12:50 AM

:doh: May I join you? :banghead:

MayBear

03-24-09, 01:51 AM

The most I was looking forward to was being able to cook supper for just my family. I don't know what it is just to have that extra person thrown in.... but it's extra. And without him I don't have to worry if there's enough cuz if there isn't, it's no big deal... I'll fix a Hot Pocket for something like that.... but :banghead: It's just different... I have to "make sure" everything's right when he's here.... I don't know....

I'm rambling.... I'm tired.... It's late....

:awwhug: Dew and all y'alls... :awwhug:

eta:

It's his company.... He never shuts up! :pullhair: His table manners leave a lot to be desired... Instead of passing things... He'll just hand a roll to somebody...He'll scoop a spoon of corn and just reach across the table and plop it on the person across from him's plate!! :banghead: It's amazing! :yikes: He'll reach across the table and cut Stinkerbelle's meat when I'm sitting right next to her! :rolleyez:

:sigh: I just don't know what to do...... I get so frustrated. I thought I was gonna have a couple of days off... but I guess not... :sadwalk:

MayBear

03-27-09, 12:29 AM

:headbang: Now he wants an email account!!! :pullhair:

And in the same breath he cusses the computer and hate the :censored: mouse and he's going to throw the :censored: thing across the room!

I told him he needs a computer to have an email account... he answered he wants one on my computer! I said you can use the library! He answers it would be easier to have it here! And continues to say how he doesn't know how to work a computer and his hands are too big and he's afraid he'll break something... :banghead: Quite frankly, I'm afraid he will, too!

:pullhair:

:soapbox: Ok.. that's the soapbox for tonight... :)

RoseArienh

03-27-09, 12:38 AM

Make him buy one. OMG, that would never work with him on yours. Good luck! :awwhug:

Dew

03-27-09, 12:53 AM

Buy him a Commodore 64 from a flea market. :rofl:

strandediniowa

03-27-09, 12:54 AM

May:bear:

:awwhug:

I'm sorry he's still being such a grizzly Bear. Under no circumstances do you give in to him and let him use your computer. Make him get a cheap laptop or something. I can just him messing yours up, and then you couldn't even come here to gritch and bipe!!! Sure disaster that.

I'm thinking of you as always. :)

brdmom

03-27-09, 12:25 PM

May, I'm chiming in with the do NOT let him use your computer. If all he wants is email, he can get a free gmail or yahoo account and his own used laptop from Craigslist or whatever. If you want to be generous, he can use your home connection, but NOT ON YOUR COMPUTER. You need something that is yours!

Gosh, it's hard having to deal with families, isn't it???

ISLANDLEA

03-27-09, 09:18 PM

hi, i'd send him some girlie meet-up emails > uknow > as if there's a hotie that wants to maybe meet him > in South Dakota :)
>> or better yet > Afganistan :bump:

...lea

Dew

03-27-09, 09:58 PM

Not Afghanistan. I know people there and I want them to return safely. :pray1:

brdmom

03-27-09, 11:07 PM

I like the hottie in South Dakota idea...and once he's there, the hottie could say, "Oh, I've moved to Mississippi, come follow me!" and so on...
Just an idea! (Isn't he living in his camper so he could take it on the road?)

catnap

03-28-09, 01:36 AM

OMG - who does he want to email, anyway? Next time he brings it up, quickly change the subject.

Dew

03-28-09, 01:48 AM

Yeah do a Hurley. Fingers in both ears and sing lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala :awwhug: Joan

LOSTForever

03-28-09, 02:15 AM

I agree. Under NO circumstances are you to give in and let him use your computer! What if you do a little research and find him a really good deal on one of his own? Just think if you get him all set up in his trailer, he might just get addicted to the computer and he may never come into the house again. :)

catnap

03-28-09, 03:22 AM

Ooo that's a good idea. Just don't let him find his way here!

MayBear

04-05-09, 03:47 PM

:lol2:

melostmo

04-05-09, 06:41 PM

bear in mind
Don't allow him to share your Internet connection, either

trust me http://www.losttv-forum.com/forum/images/icons/icon6.gif

MayBear

04-09-09, 12:46 AM

:irked: :banghead: :disgust1: :pullhair:

LOSTForever

04-09-09, 04:38 PM

What'd he do now?

MayBear

04-11-09, 03:09 AM

What'd he do now?

Just little stuff that drives me nuts :rolleyez: Just sh stuff, ya know...
http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_annoyed201.gif

Do you think he realizes not everybody at the table wants him to handle their food first? :rolleyez: He just has to be in the middle of everything... sh stuff that's not his business or concern. There are somethings and sometimes that I'd like it to be just "us" / our little family of four... without that extra wheel, ya know.... :mad3:

MayBear

04-15-09, 12:17 AM

:mad3:

Ok, FIL comes over for supper every evening. This evening after supper, he came in to the living room and "The Biggest Loser" was on the television. And what does he do but tell me that I should be on that show!!! :pissed:

First of all, I'm not as big as I used to be. I've lost about 150 pounds. :stare: And he's setting the in his size 4x clothes! He's not exactly petite! :disgust1:

He did back-paddle really fast and tried to cover with "You would have won because you've already lost some weight" but the damage was done. :irked:

He left right away when it got quiet in the house real fast. Even PapaBear didn't say anything. I get the feeling he knew FIL had gone over the limit of what was acceptable to talk about/tease about. :stare:

Ok... That's my soapbox for now. :soapbox:

Feels better to get it off my chest....

Later!
:awwhug:

LOSTForever

04-15-09, 12:28 AM

MayBearyBear ~ You have done FANTASTICALLY well with your weight and should be VERY produ of yourself. Don't let him get you down. You said it best when you commented on his size 4X clothing. He has no room to talk. Hopefully, PaPa Bear is getting to the point that he will tell Grizzly Bear to knock it off!

Bekka

04-15-09, 12:31 AM

strandediniowa

04-15-09, 12:33 AM

May:bear: :awwhug:

Clearly he is lacking in social skills of any type. All you can do is keep standing up for yourself, and trying to get PapaBear to do some kind of line-drawing. And keep venting here so you don't go nuts!

Lostaway

04-15-09, 01:46 PM

*reads back a bit*

Awww, poor guy.

Sounds like he's just old/bored/lonely and doesn't have any inkling how to act around other people.

Maybe cut him a little bit of slack?

*plays devil's advocate* :p

I actually agree. I just can't understand why you won't let him use your computer for just an email account. Afraid he'll find this thread? :p

Dew

04-15-09, 06:35 PM

Frak FIL. Ignore him. Don't give him eye contact. Put your fingers in your ears and do a Hurley. Lalalalalalalalalalalala

{{{Joan}}}

brdmom

04-15-09, 06:49 PM

Oh my, Grizzlybear sure shoved his big paw all the way down his throat, didn't he??
First, Maybear, you are AWESOME to have lost so much weight on your own, and you can really see it in your pics!
However, I can just see what was going through Grizzly's head - I bet Maybear would be awesome on this show, she'd be fun to watch and she'd do really well and work really hard and lose lots of weight and win! - at least that's the positive spin on it, but it just came out wrong, wrong, wrong!
Now, if you *did* go on BL, you'd be out of your house for several months, you'd have time to focus on just yourself, we'd all be thrilled to watch you, and you'd lose all sorts of weight! It could be a real win, win situation, particularly the whole being out of the house! :)

Keep hanging in there, MB! You are earning your place in heaven! :)

MayBear

05-02-09, 05:17 PM

:banghead: :disgust1: :pullhair:

Always something isn't it? :rolleyez: Not even a Saturday morning without him... :irked:

Dew

05-02-09, 05:26 PM

{{{{{Joan}}}}} Here's a few extra. You need a MPG player so you can have your ears plugged listening to something more delightful. :awwhug:

catnap

05-03-09, 04:43 PM

May, extra hugs from me too. What a pain he is, but I agree he didn't mean it like it came out. Obviously he is not in a position to tease about weight, he probably meant b/c you have lost so much, and on your OWN!

Families can make you furious. My Dad's wife is like evil incarnate. :mad:

MayBear

05-03-09, 11:59 PM

:banghead: Egads.... He thinks he knows everything about everything! :pullhair:

He tries to tell us what to do with out stuff and how to manage our things.... We traded off our Caravan and just because he got a new pick-up a year ago, he thinks he knows everything about our new Caravan :banghead: They're not even the same brand :no: And he tells us that we should do put this in the new van and get that for the new van. :rolleyez: Dammit! It's OUR van! If he wants a say in what we do with it... he can start making payments on it! :pissed: If I want plastic over the seats, I'll put plastic over the seats! He doesn't have to buy me the plastic to put there! :mad3:

Ok :soapbox: That's my soapbox for the day. I just can't get over how he thinks he knows everything and just goes on and on about sh** that doesn't matter.... And how he wants to tell us what to do. :http://s167.photobucket.com/albums/u130/Momof2js/smilies/th_Pouting_emoticon_-_updated.gif

Dew

05-04-09, 12:07 AM

And Papa does nothing. You really need to deal with Papa if you want Grizzly to stop. If Papa does nothing then take the kids and leave for a week. Don't tell him where you are. Go to a friend to visit or family. Let em see what it's like when you are not around.

I say take the kids because your situation is different. They are young. If they were older, I would say go, fast.

Instead I will give you {{{{{{{{{Joan}}}}}}}}}

Please, mucho extra angels for Joan please. :pray1:

strandediniowa

05-04-09, 12:22 AM

May:bear: Take deep breaths my friend. I'm so sorry you have to put up with him constantly, but you are going to have to learn the art of just ignoring him. My sister did that about 20 years ago (after 20 years of stewing over it) and it has helped her a lot. But then again, her MIL did not live in her back yard.

Keep venting here in the meantime . . . I'm thinking about you. :awwhug:

MayBear

05-15-09, 08:56 PM

:pullhair: Gripe complain gripe complain.

Ok, I feel better now... :)

LOSTForever

05-15-09, 11:30 PM

:awwhug:

MayBear

05-16-09, 12:24 AM

:rolleyez: I just have to learn to accept that FIL is part of my life now. He does stuff that I don't like. He's too hard on the kids, I know. But when he corrects them, I find myself biting my tongue -- out of the "respect your elders" thing. :rolleyez:

~~~~~~
I finally spoke up tonight at supper over one of the things he does that just chaps my shorts. We all sit down to eat and he passes everything out to eat. He'll dish out the casserole, he'll hand out the bread.... So he actually touches everybody's food. :banghead: I hate that. We had breadsticks tonight and he grabbed everybody one and grabbed "mine" and asked "Do you want one?" And I said, "Not if YOU touch it." He thought I was kidding, but I was serious. Maybe make him think about it next time.

He's a control freak. That's where we're too much alike. I'm a control freak, too. The difference is -- this is MY house, my table, the meal I cooked. Ya know what I mean? :rolleyez:

Ok... :soapbox: Second soapbox of the day.

Thanks!!! :)

MayBear

07-06-09, 09:32 PM

:banghead:

Ok, I run a few errands like getting groceries. I get home and guess who is watering the drive-way? :pullhair: Has the sprinkler set right in the middle of it. :rolleyez: I realize the grass on the south there need watered, but not the whole cotton-pickin' driveway!

Now WE have the big water bill to pay. :no: PapaBear gave GrizzlyBear complete control over the yard and said he could do anything he wanted out there, so I don't feel that I should go move it or turn it off. :banghead: The only thing is that it's OUR money running down the street :rolleyez: I'll give him a little longer an then I'll shut it off and pull the van up into the driveway. That will be a good excuse that I didn't want to park in the street. Egads.

WHY WATER THE WHOLE DRIVEWAY???